Cold Hearted Business

A Post Post Christmas Carol ----

2009-12-27T07:19:00.000-08:00

Zak and Zelda had all their neices and nephews over for New Years Day. There were quitea few young cats present for the festivities. After everyone had eaten their fill of ham, turkey, deviled eggs, mouse kabobs and pecan pie they settled in to the living room, for story telling time. Each New Year this had become a tradition and all the kittens looked forward to this year's tale.

Zak began. "I hope everyone has had enough to eat."

They all nodded or groaned agreement. Some of the cats actually looked as if they had eaten enough for a month.

"What will be this year's story?" said Nurley, a young tabby cat. "We can't wait Uncle Zak."

"Once upon a time, " Zak said, "There lived a powerful cat named O'Puma. He was the most powerful cat in all the world. He was elected Chief Cat by all the cats in Cat Nation that believed he would bring positive change to the country. As soon as he was elected he started to make those changes he had promised. After a year in office as as Christmas was past, as the nation was experiencing its coldest winter on record, Chief O'Puma the nation's cats had started talking about the Chief's first year as the leader of all catdom."

"Is this a true story? "Asked Justin Cat "Not really." said Zak. Some parts might seem true, but they were mostly made up. Whoever heard of a Puma running the country anyhow? You know that cats are too intellegent to leave the details up to a Puma and its minions. Anyhow....

Even the chief had to reflect on the his first year. So many cats were still out of work, but he had done great things in passing laws to help is fellow felines. He has distributed more wealth in one year than any cat ever had. Chief O'Puma was proud of the agenda he promised. One evening as he was relaxing he was thinking about how great a cat he was and about how everyone loved and admired him. Content, he drifted off to sleep.

It was not long after he had gone to sleep that the Chief woke from his slumber with a start. There was a heavy sound coming from within his room. "CLOP" "CLOP" "CLOP" As he sat up in bed Chief O'Puma could see the source of the sound. A gray apparition stood before him its body wrapped in explosives. At first O'Puma stared at the apparition and was slow to react. Then, as he realized that the apparition looked like an alleged terrorist, he recoiled from the spector.

Then he realized that he knew the apparition. It was William Catares. It was his friend, the cat terrorist that had done a bombing at the New York Cat Delegation 40 years ago. He was a teacher now. He had never had to even go to jail for his activities. Yes, the American Cat system of justice was the best in the world. "

"Why did he not go to jail?" Asked, Jill. She was one of the more curious of Zak's neices.

"The judge let him go free becauses the cat that arresed him accidently stepped on his tail while removing the body bomb he wore." said Zak.

Jill looked confused. "You mean that this cat was willing to blow up a bunch of other cats and the judge let him go because his toe was hurt?"

"Yep." said Zak. Pretty weird huh? The audience just nodded. Zak continued. "The judge said that Catares civit right were violated."

"It hurts.... It hurts." howled William Catares, the bomber cat. In that wailing sound William said, "You will be visited by three apparitions tonight. Listen to them he howled. It may not be too late."

"But you are not dead." Exclaimed O'puma. "You were alive when I saw you weeks ago."

"Yes." Cried Catares, "But, then I had a heart attack and became this. I woke up with only one tow on each leg. The missing toes hurt all the time and every night this explosive belt goes off blowing me to bits. Then every night I come back together only to be blown up again. Each night feeling as if I was blown into a 1000 pieces. Listen to the ghosts, O'Puma. Listen, maybe it won't be too late. "

As Catares started to fade away a terrible sound echoed through the house as he exploded into 1000s of peices. The smell of sulfer and burnt flesh, like the smell of burning after a bomb explodes, almost overcame O'puma. A scream echoed in his ear. A whispered sound, "The ghosts, the ghosts."

"In the dream", Zak continued. "As soon as the toeless William Catares faded the Chief saw a figure standing by his four poster royal bed. The figure was a tall extremely well dressed cat. The cat had finely groomed hair on silken fur and wore an Arcati suit. There was, however, a translucent quality to the cat. Chief O'Puma reached out to touch the suit and his hand flowed completely through it. Suddenly an arrow of fear swept through the Chief. This was a ghost, he thought, a spirit. This was something outside his experience, something that he could not control or manipulate. It reminded the chief of that cat named Brown. It was real but hard to accept.

"I am the Specter of Freedom past." It said. "I am here to show you the great things this country was and could be again."

"What if I refuse to go?" said O'Puma.

"If you refuse to go, " said the specter, "You will be like your friend though the pain is in proportion to the suffering you have caused. A 1000 explosions will not be enough for you."

"I will go, though I don't believe." said O'Puma, arrogantly.

Suddenly they were in a home. It was the home of Richard Catson, one of O'Pumas old friends. Richard, his wife Erica and their three children were all sitting around the table.

"It was a great year." Richard was saying. "We have so much to be thankful for. The software business, Catsoft, we started is doing really well and we have hired 30 new people over the past year. The risk we took has really paid off. Did everyone pick a couple of cats from the Angel Tree at Church. We should be able to help 10 families this year. "

Then, the scene if front of O'Puma faded. It was now a factory floor with partial car frames moving down the assembly line. A horn sounded and the line came to a halt. Bob Lawson was speaking to another worker. It is so nice to get bonuses and overtime, they really help this time of year. I bet we will be working for Catsler for the next 100 years.

As that scene faded, O'Puma felt a cold chill washs over him. "What was that?" O'Puma asked.
"The cold winds of change. " said the spector. "All this was what has been. Your rule is about to begin. Your government is now going to manage all those lives. You already own Catsler."

"But spector, why is it so cold? " Even as O'Puma uttered this question, the Spector of Freedom Past was fading. The moments later, the Ghost of Freedom's Death appearred. This spector was horrible to look upon.

Under its hooded robe were bone thin hands and its face was long and drawn with black circles under the eyes. Chains bound its arms and legs limiting its movements.

They were now at a homeless shelter. It was an old converted firehouse. A hundred cats crowded around long tables waiting for a free meal. The city provided these meals three times a day to homeless and destitute cats. O'puma could hear the conversation. A middle aged cat was saying, "Last year we were doing well. I worked for a company called Catsoft. When the government passed this last tax, the company could not handle it, and had to close. It put 60 cats out of work. We had no where else to go."

Next they were at the sight of a bombed out crater. O'Puma could see the charred sign that had once heralded the great 100 plus story Sears Tower. Its majesty now just rubble as a result of a terror attack. "How did this happen? " Said O'Puma.

The shade pointed to commentary on a TV window not far away. "Yes," the announcer was saying. "Ever since the O'puma administration started treating these terrorist cats as common criminals they have flooded our country. The Sears Tower is the 6th attack on our shores this year. The terrorist don't fear us. Don't fear our retribution. Lets face it, we can't even use catnip or tickling on these terror cats. They will keep coming and if we catch them we will put them in country clubs. If fact, the cats responsible had just been released from the Humane Shelter at Catmo. "

Zelda interupted. "Zak, this is a depressing story. Is it going to get better or are all these cats going to sleep badly tonight?

"Zelda." Zak chided. "The parts with the ghosts are always depressing. Whoever heard of a happy ghost. (Except for Casper.) and he was too young to know the difference. You know there has to be a happy ending however."

"Ok." said Zelda. "Tell us about the last ghost."

Zak stood on all fours, jumped 6 inches in the air and landed back on the couch with a loud pop from one of couch spring. Then, he said, in a sudden and thunderous voice, "POP!!! ..... and then there appeared the Specter of America To Come."

This shade was the scariest of the ghosts, is hacked and coughed..... Its faded skin was pitted with lesions and it smelled of disease and death. "Come with me it wheezed."

In the blink of an eye they were in a hospital emergency waiting room. Its was packed with injured and ailing cats. Many lay on the floor wailing, and some had open wounds.

"Why specter are these people not seeing a doctor?" asked O'Puma.

"There are almost no doctors left since the government started running the medical treatment programs. The government wanted more of the doctors for less and less pay and most have left the profession. The few that are left in the hospitals work in these conditions."

"But these are horrible conditions. Why does someone not do something?

"Someone did something." Said the specter. "This is your doing."

Next they went through the emergency room doors. O'Puma could hear the constant wailing of a voice. Whose voice was that he wondered. Then he saw, it was his own. He was laying on a gurney in pain. The doctor was talking.

"I am sorry chief." said the doctor. We can give you pain medicine, but you are 80 years old now, so we can't fix your broken hip. The life value commission has said that there is not enough money for broken hips. "

But... " said O'Puma, "I was the one who passed the laws that made the value life commission. It was never meant to apply to me."

"I am sorry. " said the doctor. "We offer one other alternative. Euthanasia. With that your family will not be charged for procedure since it saves so much over continued treatment. You really must consider the greater good. You don't want to be a burden on society and your family. We can't fix your hip so you can get around. At this point your value to society is zero. The best way you can contribute is by electing to have the medicare opt out plan."

"Now." said the doctor, "Which will it be? Pain pills or Euthansia?"

At this point the doctors words reverberated in O'puma's head. "Pain pills or Euthansia, Pain pills or death, pain pills or death. " It was a horrible repeating song. All of a sudden he remembered the spirit of the Spector of America to Come.

He looked at the spector. "Must this come true?" he asked. "Am I doomed to die a horrible death by my own plan? Spare me cruel ghost, spare me.

O'puma then woke. He was on the floor of his home curled up in a ball and trembling terribly. He called out to his wife. "Come here, please come here. "

"What is it dear?" she said. "I need to make so changes, changes to the agenda, changes to the health bill, changes to get jobs going."

"Now calm down dear. "She said. "You know that the stimulus and the health bill have to be done as we have discussed. Otherwise, we will no longer control everything. We have discussed this in great detail. Our agenda must be implemented."

"But." said O'puma, "I have seen the future, and it is a horror. I am the chief, I have to stop it."

"You can't." said his wife. "The plans will be passed whether you or anyone else wants to stop them. We have already put the people in place. If you try to stop it we will remove you and send you to clean up in Chernobyl until your fur rots off. You know this is the Chicago way. The plans have gone to far to stop, we are the new progressive state, and I Michelle O'Puma am the real future of Catdom. It would be good of you to rememeber that. "

"At least," thought O'puma, "I will have my place in history."

"Michelle" he called out. "Can I at least have a cigarette?"

"Of course, dear." She said.

Cat Hospice

2009-09-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

There was a knock at the door of Zak and Zelda’s house. Zelda went over to the door and yelled, “Who is it?”

“It’s HT.” Came back the whispered reply.

Zelda’s first thought was to leave the door locked and to yell go away. On the one hand Zelda knew it would be wrong to turn HT away. She was one of 287 first cousins. On the other, HT was essentially Hurricane Katrina in a fur coat. Following her could only lead to a disaster that would never be cleaned up. Still, thought Zelda, it’s not all bad. She opened the door.

“Quick”, whispered Zelda. “I hope no one saw you.”

“I don’t think I was followed.” HT whispered back.

“Zak!!!” called Zelda. “HT is here! Your beauty rest can wait. It’s not working anyhow, so get up and be a host.”

Zak got off the couch and lumbered over to HT. “Glad you are here. I hope it is a short visit. Last time the Feds came literally 5 minutes after you left. We love you HT, but if they find us helping you they will send us all to Federal Obedience School for retraining. Frankly, I am too old to retrain.”

“No.” said HT, “I will just stay the night and slip out before dawn.“

“OK”, said Zak. “Zelda, get out the peanut butter, sardines, and honey. We should hear about what all cousin HT has been doing. How’s the toe HT?”

“It’s doing well. I don’t think they will ever take the hook out however. I would have to turn myself in and that is not going to happen.“

Zak remembered what had happened. ObamaCare’s new plan had just been in place for a year when Zotty Znead (that had been what she was called before the surgery) had developed a hammer claw. She had waited for a year before they would operate. The procedure to fix the toe meant installing a metal fixture into the toe for a few months, then once the bones were set, to remove the metal piece. In this case the piece was a metal hook that extended about in inch past her toe where her middle claw would ordinarily be.

Zotty had to wait months for a slot to have the hook removed. While waiting she passed her 65th cat year. When the time came, the hospital said they could not remove the hook as she was no longer eligible for 'extraordinary measures'. The hospital told her that she could have whatever pain medicine she would like to make her toe more comfortable.

At this point Zotty was furious. It was the wait for care that was their fault in the first place and since they had started the procedure, she sure needed to finish it. No matter how much she explained all this, there was no arguing with the health care tsars and their rules.

At her last appointment, she took a swipe at the doctor that was explaining how her life was not worth the cost of another operation. She caught the doctor across the cheek with the hook on her middle paw. It left a nasty gash and an unmistakable scar.

As Zotty left, or ran from that appointment she vowed to herself to fix the health care system by righting some of the wrongs it was causing. From here on out she would be called Hook Toe Znead. Medical personnel would fear her.

After they had eaten several of the fish and enjoyed some chit – chat, Zelda said,”HT, tell us of your most recent run in. We hear it on the news, how you are so terrible, but almost everyone knows the truth.“

“Well.”, began HT, “There is a clinic in Milton, not far from here, called American Cat Care. It really is a string of Doc in a Boxes. They have really taken the rules for treating elderly cats seriously. They will only give them one antibiotic and if that does not work, they send them to Cat Hospice to die. Almost all of these cats have a lot of good years left. Since the government pays for “end of life counseling” they get $2,000 for each one that checks into Cat Hospice.“

“That is terrible!” exclaimed Zak.

“I broke into the clinic about 9:00 PM. One doctor was still there. As soon as he saw me and my toe he peed in his fur. I told him to open the drug cabinet. Then I swiped his cheek and knocked him on the head. It wouldn’t have done for him to raise an alarm or anything. I grabbed up all the antibiotics. You might have heard about the drug crazed person that robbed the clinic. That was me getting a fix of antibiotics. I am hooked so to speak” HT grinned.

Zelda asked, “Then what.”

“Next I went down to the Cat Hospice. I snuck in and just hobbled around. Being old myself no one there thought to check. They just really are waiting until the beds free up to collect the next fee. Scary, huh? Quietly I distributed all the antibiotics to the cats that were listed as “infection”. I told them to keep quiet or the orderlies would take away their medicines. Over the next couple of days 15 elderly cats walked out of there. It was a miracle they said. Some of the cats said they had visions of an angel cat with a gleaming foot.”

HT held up her paw for effect.

Zak and Zelda had been almost mesmerized by the story when the loud banging on the door startled them all.

“Open up. It’s Acorn - Federal Security Service, we have a warrant to search the house.”

“Quick, over here.” Zelda pointed to the fire place mantle. HT ran over there.
Zelda lifted up one of the fire pokers and a hole opened up underneath the fireplace.

“Slide down there. It goes to the back side of the bay across the retaining wall. You’ll be past the Feds and able to slip away safely. We love you. Now go!"

With amazing agility Hook Toe Znead was gone.

“We are going to break down the door.” Said one of the Feds.

I am coming yelled Zak.

As Zak opened the door the Feds burst through. One looked at Zak and demanded, “Where is she?”

“Who?” said Zak.

“You know who.” Said the Fed. “Hook Toe”

“I have no idea.” Said Zak. “Perhaps you all would like some sardines and peanut butter. It is real good.”

The Feds searched the house, but of course found nothing. Zak and Zelda returned to their lounging. They rejoiced that they had gotten to see their cousin and in her continued safety. If anything was going to change in this brave new world it would take 1000s of small acts to preserve the lives so many did not value.

Lazy Saturday House Fire

2009-07-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

Since he began teaching science at the middle school, Zak regarded Saturday as a well deserved break from yelling, screaming and out of control kids. It was a well earned pre-Sabbath rest period. A Saturday in the summer was just an extension of that philosophy. He had planned to wake up late, have breakfast, feed Zorro the chipmunk, and then to lay down on the couch. After lunch he would let Zorro hang out in the back yard while he took a nap. Sometime later, he planned to eat dinner and watch Burning Inferno II with Zelda. Somehow, the day did not shape up that way.

First, Zak was woken up by the sound of Zelda talking to customer support. They had each gotten new phones the day before and the billing was already screwed up. He appreciated her thoroughness in making sure that the phone people fixed the error. If it had only taken 10 minutes that would not have been so bad, but it took 2 hours. Who would have guessed that to fix the error the phone company would actually have to talk to the specific salesperson that sold them the phones. Once that was done, she had to call customer service back to learn how to put songs on the phone. (Essential knowledge in today's environment.) Whoever she got that time did not understand English. They could speak perfect Hindi. Zelda could only do that after a bit of catnip.

In the meantime, Jara, Zelda's cousin had come by. She wanted to do a scrap book project, she said. Actually, Zak suspected she just wanted a quite place to text all her friends. That is what happens with teenage cats, 24/7 texting paws. (What Ev, thought Zak)

That afternoon Zelda left to go to the supermarket to pick up the blue gill, parsley and egg plant they needed for dinner. Zak had even promised to cook the egg plant. While Zelda was out, the doorbell rang. Of course, the doorbell never rings at a convenient time. Zak was in the restroom. Before he could answer it, it rang again, and again. He had called out to Jara several times, but she seemed not to hear. Finally, he managed to reach the front door. It was Lady ZayRay and her daughter Rayette.

"Where's Zelda?", said ZayRay.

"Supermarket." said Zak, "Can I help you?"

"Yes", said ZayRay. "We have a church project, Zelda said that we could use the computer and the Internet for it. Is that OK with you."

"Come on in and help yourself." Zak. "I need to let Zorro out to do his stuff in the back."

Zak let Zorro out and returned to his place on the couch.

ZayRay sat down and started working on the computer. Rayette went with her. Just then Zelda came home with a stack of groceries. As the groceries were being put up, the computer started blaring some sort of sermon. Zelda said quietly to Zak, "Don't say anything, its OK. They need this for church."

"OK" said Zak. "Can you at least have her turn it down?

"Sure." said Zelda, "I assume you want me to fix dinner soon? "

"That would be nice. I can't wait to have some blue gill. There is nothing better than fried blue gill and egg plant. " Zak opined.

"Ok said Zelda, "I'll heat up some oil."

Then Zak remembered," I need to check on Zorro. Uhh .. Ohhh! He has gotten out! At this point things started happening.

Zak walked out the front door, calling, "Zorro! Zorro!" Zak walked accross the street and asked the neighbors if they had seen Zorro. Usually, when he got out Zorro liked to harass the neighbors, but today they had not seen him. Zak walked on up the street.

In the meantime ZayRay had finished listening to her 110 decibel sermon. She, Zelda and Rayette had walked out the front of the house. They were deep into discussion or gossip depending on your point of view. Jara had joined the chorus calling for Zorro to come home. She too was out of the house.

In order for there to be a complete accounting let's recap the situation. In Zak's house there was a pot on the stove with cooking oil. The stove was on and the cooking oil was getting hotter. All of the occupants and guests of the house were either outside looking for Zorro or in the front yard discussing who done what where. The oil was getting hotter.

As Zak was walking back to the house, he sees Rayette, who says to him, "Your house is on fire."

Zak looks at the house and can see smoke coming from the front door. Zak breaks into a sprint toward the house. (For Zak that means he was lumbering at a fast walk toward the front door.)

Once in the front door he could see the fire across the living room in the kitchen sink. Zelda had already moved the burning pot from the eye of the stove to the sink. As Zak rushed in, Zelda said, "Zayray said to put salt on it."

Zelda handed him the big container of Morton's salt. Zak, still in shock from the whole house burning welcome home thing, took the salt and started shaking it into the burning oil fire. It did not work. The longer it did not work the harder he should the salt jar. Salt was now all over the kitchen and the fire still raged. He was out of salt. Perhaps generic salt would have done better.

"Get me a towel." He yelled. While waiting for the towel, using a spoon, he moved the red hot faucet over to the side of the sink where there was no burning pot of oil. Zak knew that mixing burning oil and water was not a good idea. So while about 5 inches from the burning oil with flames leaping two feet up in air he ran water onto a dish rag. (Step one in stupid things to do during a fire.) Then he took the wet dish rag and threw it over the burning oil. (Step two in stupid things to do during a fire.) The burning oil and the water met with a huge whoosh, and the two foot flames became 5 foot flames. They shot into the valance hanging over the sink and licked the wooden overhang threatening to catch the rest of the house on fire.

The valance burst into flame. Zak, knew at this point that things were bad. He knew he had to put out the fire on the valance first so he grabbed the first thing he could, a roll of paper towels and started beating the burning curtain and curtain rod with the paper towel roll. Flakes of burning curtain were going every where and then the curtain rod itself came down from its moorings. The end of the paper towel roll was smoldering now, but it did not burst into flames.

All this time the flames continued to heat the overhanging wood and threaten to catch it on fire. Zelda returned with a large towel and handed Zak the towel through the thick haze of smoke.

Zelda then went outside with Zayray and Rayette. Zayray said," Should we call the fire department?"

Zelda said, "No". then "Yes", then "No", then seeing the smoke pouring out the front of the house said,"Yes". They called the fire department.

Zak ran a little water over it, then stuffed it over the burning fire. This time it worked and the fire mostly doused except for flakes of curtain and paper towel that were still burning on the floor and the sink.

Now Zak turned on the cold water and drenched everything he could. The smoke, which he had not noticed before dousing the fire was everywhere. It smelled of burning everything and plastic. Salt was all over the kitchen floor, the sink, the stove, and probably covered the state of Alabama. A wet oil soaked towel was in sink and black oily soot covered much of the kitchen. The florescent light mounted above where the valance had been was pitch black with soot and no longer worked. The yellow paint over the sink was now black and yellow. Much of the backspash by the stove was black and oily.

That is when the fire department showed up. After a brief inspection of the house, they got out an industrial fan to help blow out the smoke that filled the house. Zorro show up and was running around and around the firemen that were outside. Jara ran after Zorro while the firemen snickered as Zorro would not come to her.

Finally once the smoke was pretty much cleared and the firemen had inspected everything, they went home. Zorro came to Zak and then was put back in the house. Zak looked at Zelda, and said, "We really had a hot date tonight! It was smokin'!. "

At that moment, Zelda did not think it was that funny.

Thinking later that day, Zak could only thank God that the house had not burned up. There was no reason that Zak could figure that the wood over sink which was in intense fire for minutes did not catch fire. Zak could also not believe that the roll of paper towels that helped put out the valance fire had not turned into a torch. All in all, God was there and protected the house and its people. Isn't God awesome?

Alien Abduction Part I

2009-05-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon. It was one of those Saturday's where the sun was shining, the air was warm with a cool breeze and the grass beckoned to be cut. Of course, at this point in his life, Zak had no interest in being anywhere where a lawn mower might be operational. So, Zak did what he was best at this Saturday. He curled up on the couch and watched the sail boats and motor boats moving up and down the bay. Zelda lay on a chair nearby and did the same. Neither cat expected for their almost perfect afternoon to be interrupted.

Then came the knock at the door.

Zelda said, "Let's ignore that."

Yet there it was again. Then came the voice. "Common Zak you fluff ball, I know you are in there. Open up."

Zak exclaimed. "I know that voice. It's Kate. It's Boom Boom Kate! Zelda, get the door."

They had not seen Kate for over a year. She had gone missing just after the unfortunate accident that had killed the aquarium's prize sea lion, RB. Everyone knew it wasn't her fault, but Zak and Zelda figured she had run away anyhow.

Zelda opened the door and there in front of her was Kate. A golden haired Selkirk Rex, her hair had been thick, long and curly, but was now tinted gray in a multitude of places. Kate looked as if she had been through some sort of ordeal. Her eyes darted left and right as if she was afraid something or someone was out to get her.

Zelda said, "Come on in Kate. Grab some chair or couch and tell us where you have been. We have really missed you. "

"We have." said Zak. "You couldn't have know that fish caught with rat bait would hurt the sea lion. The box said bait, so obviously it was for catching fish. You did not have to run away."

Kate came on in and hopped up with a groan onto one of the upholstered chairs in the living room. She could see the boats going by in the distance. "I did not run away." She began. "I was kidnapped."

"What." said Zelda.

"You heard correctly. I was pretty upset when I left the aquarium. Even though I had figured out what happened, RB the sea lion was gone. At one point I had liked RB. It was his greed that really killed him. He thought that fish was mine and had stolen it. Actually he accidentally saved my life. If he had not stolen the fish, I would have eaten it. I figured if rat bait caught rats it should catch fish as well. It caught several. The fish did seem to die rather quickly however."

"So you did not run away?" asked Zak.

"No." said Kate. "I was walking on the beach trying to come to grips with the fact that RB was dead. First I heard a whooshing noise like the air around me being sucked away. Then the ground around me was sucked up into the air and me with it. It was as if a giant vacuum had pulled the sand and me up into the air. Next came the thud. I bounced off of some sort of screen and landed back on this bare metal floor. "

Zelda was incredulous. "You can't be serious." She said.

"How do you think I got all this gray?" Kate explained. "Where do you think I have been all of this past year? From the spot on the floor I could see my captors. There were two of them there. Both looked the same to me at that point. They were bulbous, about three feet tall with four stocky legs that held up something like a slug body. Every part of them was covered with a goo. They had some sort of arm that came out of where the chest would be and it branched into two tentacle, hand sort of things. "

One of them, Jeff is what I called him, said. "If you obey us, you may be returned to earth. If you defy us we will feed you to the sea lions." Then Jeff smiled as if that were some sort of joke. It was creepy.

I thought, how could he know about RB. No way. Either way, I thought I best play along for now.

Then the other one, I called him Bill, said, "We are one a scientific expedition. Our race, in your language is called Slurpie. We are Slurpies. "

No kidding. said Kate. "That is what they called themselves."

Bill continued. "You are hear as a specimen and as a representative of your race to help us confirm or disprove our theories. Your life depends on your cooperation and the amount of assistance you provide us. "

At this point, all I could think of was the movie "Kill Bill." Not the most appropriate thought at the moment.

To be continued.....

Field Trip Part III - Organosaurus

2009-04-07T18:42:00.000-07:00

The thunderous roll of the music began and the fog (dry ice mist) parted to reveal a real live Indiana Jones look alike who claimed to be a paleontologist. He began his story by saying that 200 million years ago, give or take, the dinosaurs were here. To make his point, out came a a couple of baby dinosaurs (future plant eaters) from eggs, a momma dinosaur plant eater to protect the baby, and a meat eating dinosaur to eat one of the babies. It was all very dramatic. It was like he was saying, "Behold, suddenly the dinosaurs appeared. Then they ate the grass that suddenly appeared and ate each other."

The meat eater was an Allosaurus. Since they had to feed it real meat and since its bio engine really was not that well developed it put out a bit of gas. Up in the stands the cats noticed a smell. It was more familiar than they would have expected. It was OK. All that methane would just float up to the top of the arena and dissipate.

Leberre had gone up to the rails down at arena level. She looked on as the show progressed. Whenever the dinosaurs would get close she would take off her glasses since they were only good for distance seeing. No one notices the small pool of digestive juices at her feet that seeped from the belly wound left over from her intestinal surgery.

The scene with the mother and daughter brontosaurus was amazing. The mother towered 50 feet into the air as it glided by on hidden rollers and under its own bio power. Of course the bigger the robot or dinosaur the more bio gas it emitted. The people in the upper levels were starting to feel faint by this time as the methane that was accumulating. It had no where to go. An ambulance had taken one patron who was particularly sensitive to the gas. Of course, the line at the hospital for free government care was so long that the patron would most likely die before getting treated. It was such a shame. At least everyone had health care. Unfortunately, it did not cover burial or cremation. (Those being the highest cost elements in the new government run health care.)

Sorry, back to the story. Almost to the end of the show. The tyrannosaurus rex was chasing the brontosaurus baby around, both spewing out gas. As they got close to the ringside with Leberre, she pulled back and dropped her glasses over the edge of the ring. She waited until the T-rex appeared to pull away toward the other end of the ring and crept into the ring from a gap in one of the side panels.

She shuffled to where her glasses were while leaving a small trail of bile behind her. Once she picked them up and put them on, she looked up and almost upon her was the T-rex. He looked fuzzy with the glasses on. He was so close, and Leberre knew in an instant that this dinosaur was not after baby brontosaurus, but after an old half blind cat. She turned and ran and fast as she could just as the T-rex chomped down, clipping the tip of her tail. As she reached the break in the arena siding she thought the T-rex was going to get another bite, and this time it would finish her. Just then, the T-rex slipped on the trail Leberre had left behind. The T-rex slammed into the hard arena floor.

Leberre escaped back into the stands. The audience was clapping as if this was part of the show.

Zak looked down at the T-rex, smelled the methane laden air. Cats he said, "The show just ended, let get out of here. Fast!!!!"

Several of the students looked aghast, "The show has not ended." They said.

Zak said, "Move it! You'll see why in a few minutes."

Down on the arena floor the fallen T-rex thrashed about, its bio engine still trying to run with the huge robotic structure resting on its front chest. Part of the chest was crushed. Smoke, and methane were billowing out from the beast.

As the cats exited the coliseum, the air at the top had reached saturation with methane and just then, in an upper restroom, a bathroom attendant tried to sneak a cigarette. Like a huge fireball the top of the structure caught into flames. The crowds were able to mostly get out, although the dinosaurs all caught flame and were burned. Once again they returned to extinction.

Zak explained to the cats as they rode home, how all that methane, that natural organic gas had collected and how easy it had been for it to catch fire. Leberre had her tail wrapped in gauze and had been lucky not to become part of the green earth that day.

"Remember", Zak said, As the cat's were getting off the bus back at the school, "The next field trip in April. We will be celebrating earth day."

Field Trip Part II

2009-04-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

As they got off the bus, all the cats were sooooo excited to be going to see the "Walking with Dinosaurs" show. Of course they knew that these were not real dinosaurs, but ones made with the newest green technology. Chase, a rough looking brawny cat who had gotten his name because he liked to chase cute tabbies around, thought he was being smart when he asked,"Can we pet them, professor Zak. "

Zak answered, "I don't think you want to pet them. Since they are built to be green they are not like the old robotic stuff with gas and electric engines, they feed these robots real meat. I wouldn't get too close to them. "

Chase's eyes got real wide at that point. So the group walked in the auditorium. They had gotten a some of the best seats in the house, the best that stimulus money could buy. They were on the lower level only 15 feet above the coliseum floor. The floor oozed fog and they could feel the cool mist as if this were a real jungle.

After getting all the young cats situated. Everyone had been to the bathroom Samantha and Lissa had a big thing about who was going to sit by Chase. Zak made them sit on the far side away from everyone. (Sometimes cats could be so irritating.)

"Everyone listen up!" yelled Zak. " This is still a school deal and so I have to give you the history. You will be tested on it later."

"The dinosaurs you are about to see are made out of computerized mechanical structures. They are special since the government made them replace their gas engines with bio engines. Like I said earlier, they feed these dinosaurs organic waste."

"Like Poop." said Jerr. Everyone laughed.

Zak continued. "Well actually poop has already had the energy taken out. They feed them left over food, old meat anything organic that has not been digested. As a result, these natural eating engines produce poop and some gases like methane. You might call them dinosaur farts."

"Doesn't that add to global warming?" said Samantha.

"Good question." Zak smiled. "It does add to global warming and takes a lot more effort to keep these bio engines running than it does gas or electric. However, the government passed a law that made them put in these "green engines". They call them green engines because they are organic. Really, they just seem to do what cows do already. Produce gas. However, inside a dinosaur they are pretty impressive."

Just then the music started to crank up and the lights dimmed, the show was about to start.

First Field Trip - Part One

2009-04-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

Zak wanted to really impress his class of young Facebook and texting addicted young cats. He knew it would require something astounding to wake them out of their teen cat, boy-girl obsessed stupor. He had a great idea. The animatronic monster dinosaur show was in town. He could take them on a field trip and discuss nature, evolution, intelligent design and high tech robotics all in an afternoon.

He had called the show's director and specifically asked if the cats could see a demonstration. Leberre packed lunches for each of the students to have on the bus. They were all given chicken nuggets with squirrel chips and a flavored vitamin drink. (no caffiene, no sugar) After the bus ride with 8 rowdy cats Zak and Leberre were happy to disembark at the Civic Center where the show was to be held.

As soon as the cats got off the bus, Zak said, "All students line up here. There are a few rules to discuss." Not a cat heard him. Then he yelled, "LINE UP NOW!!!!!" And they did.

"Here are the rules. Each student is to buddy up with one other cat. You and your buddy are not to be separated while we are here. You are to stay within eye sight of Leberre or myself at all times. Any cat that is out of line will be sent back to the bus to wait until the rest finish the tour. "

"Does everyone understand?

Most of the cats just nodded their heads. Lucky, the cat that looked like it had not had a trim or bath in a month asked. "Why does that guy over there look like he is bleeding?"

Zak glanced at the guy. "I guess he is part of the show. None of these are real so that can't be real either."

So said Zak, "Who made dinosaurs?"

Constance Cat piped up, "God, of course."

"Does everyone believe that? asked Zak.

"No." said Bonutz. "They evolved."

"From what?" Zak asked.

"Cats." said Bonutz. Everyone laughed at that.

The god of field trip etiquette would now be happy since both of the main topics for the field trip had been covered. Everyone could now enjoy the field trip without that academic pressure hanging over their head.

Leberre yelled, "Line up, single file." They were amazed that such a raspy loud and compelling voice could come from that scrawny old cat. "Follow!" she added.

As she lead the line of students, every now and again a green slime drop fell to the walkway. The students just walked on over it or stepped on it, not really noticing the trail that was being created.

The New Science Teacher

2009-03-31T19:12:00.000-07:00

Zak was so happy. He accepted a position as the new science teacher for the Pensacola School for Special Needs Cats. Thanks to the stimulus package the city of Pensacola was able to fund a position for Zak and one for an assistant. His assistant was an old retired cat that had lost her fortune in the market. Her name was Leberre. Hers was a sad story. First the markets crashed as the U.S. became a communist country, then she found out that she had invested with the now famous Bernie Madcat. She was now forced to return to work as a science assistant and research subject.

Now before you get the wrong idea. The school Zak was teaching in was for cats with special needs. Mostly, they needed to be kept out of trouble since they had been tossed out of all the other schools in Pensacola. The were in many ways much like Zak had been and still was. Zelda would look at Zak and tell him, "There is something wrong with you."

Leberre was known for one additional feature. She had eaten a favorite combination of peanut butter, chewing gum, and caviar for her birthday last year. It had become stuck in her intestine and had to be surgically removed. All that was going pretty well when the money ran out. With no additional money for the doctors, they left her with a hole in her belly. Usually there was a yellow green slime trail that followed her around. The cats that saw her, generally pretended it was not there. Some of the student cats had other ideas. Of, course, I get ahead of myself.

Zak and his lab assistant prepared studiously for the first class. To Zak it was essential to impress upon the young feline minds how exciting science could be. He decided that he would demonstrate the history of flight and make it an interactive adventure. That is coming next.

Design Studio Obsession

2009-02-18T20:40:00.000-08:00

Zaron, Zak's nephew and Zak had planned for a day hiking and hunting squirrels. Actually, Zaron did the hunting, Zak's days of hunting ended the day he topped 40 lbs. He could, however, supervise Zaron and the boy would think Zak the best uncle ever.

Since Zak and Zaron would be gone all day, Zelda decided to have a friend over for a scrap fest. Sort of a "When the boys are out the women will play" deal. Zelda's friend, Carly Lou had just gotten her copy of the Cricut Design Studio. Zelda was so excited. Carly Lou was bringing over her laptop and they were going to have an incredible time.

When Carly Lou arrived she was so excited. She came in, and almost without pause opened her laptop up and said, "You have go to see this Cricut software! It will change your life."

Zelda looked at the excited cat and said, "How about something to drink? We have all day to scrap."

Carly Lou, looked at her with her green-gray eyes, slightly wide for a cat that had reached middle age. "I know, isn't it exciting! Come look at this."

Zelda edged over so she could see the screen. At first it appeared to only be snow, white screen noise. Then out of the snow, pattern after pattern of scrap pages appeared. There were borders, cut outs, templates, birthdays, beach trips, whole lives in trimmings, and stick-ons. There were balloons, candy canes, party hats, beer cans, jelly beans, drink glasses, goblets, tricks and treats of every kind. They seemed to come faster and faster, and suddenly Zelda pulled back.

"You know, said Zelda. "Let's get out some scrap books and start on one." She desperately wanted to get away from the Design Studio. It left her with a scared and inadequate feeling. It was as if it wanted to absorb her, cat and cat soul and all. It was creepy.

Carly Lou eyes seemed to widen. "No, you just need to look at the screen one more time. Isn't is beautiful? All those designs are calling me, calling me."

As Carly Lou peered into the laptop, she got closer and closer to the screen.

Zelda yelled, "Get back!!!!"

Carly Lou said. "It's calling me. I want to be closer."

Zelda could hear the white noise coming out of the screen and faintly make out images from the side of the screen as Carly Lou started to dissolve into the laptop. She was being absorbed by the Design Studio. "No screamed Zelda." Zelda took her paw and slammed down the back of the laptop. It was too late.

Carly Lou was gone. Lost in 1000's of scrap possibilities, and broken up into 100's of page designs. No one would ever believe what had happened.

Zelda wondered what to do with the laptop. Maybe she could use it just once. It really could change your life.

Playing Plug The Hole -- Part 1

2009-02-13T17:53:00.000-08:00

Zelda, Jebelle, Zak and Zerbert were all situated around the low, square coffee table in the living room of Zak's house. The were so excited, it was to be their game night and they had a new game, Plug the Hole. It was the new hot board game from Hasbeen.

The board was 40 squares laid out in a circle. The first player to reach the end without dying won. If no one reached the last square, then the board game won. The last square was called, "Live in Good Health Today." or Light. The goal of the game was to come into the Light. Each player started the game with the same health issue, a blocked intestine. The role of the dice determined what happened from there.

Each cat chose their game piece. Jebelle picked the IV bag. Actually all the pieces were small silvery facsimiles made of pewter, kinda like the weapons in Clue or the pieces in the original monopoly. Zelda chose the gauze, Zak the syringe, and Zerbert the small hospital bed. They all put their game pieces down on the starting square and rolled for who went first. Zelda had the honors. The order was now determined, Zelda, Zerbert, Jebelle, and Zak would be last in the rotation.

Zelda rolled a 7. She lifted up the tab over the square and it underneath it read, "Put in nasal gastric tube and wait for blockage to clear."

"That is not so bad. " said Zelda, "The blockage will clear and I'll be going into the Light."

Zerbert rolled next. He rolled a snake eyes. He moved his two and pulled open the tab. "You tried to each 12 Escargot after being blocked up for 8 days, call 911, emergency surgery is required. The doctor will be a third year resident performing his first bowel resection. Good luck."

Zerbert knew he was in trouble.

"You got snake eyes" said Zelda, "Roll again."

This roll took Zerbert another 9 spaces on the board. He lifted the tab. It was a message from the doctor. "Your surgery went well. There was a small hole in your bowel, but we believe we managed to close it up. Your incision, which runs from your sternum to your groin should heal in about two weeks."

Jebelle rolled a 5. The tab read. "We thought your blockage was going to clear, you are scheduled for surgery for Friday. Move to space 8 -- surgery.

Zak said, "Boy this is depressing." He rolled 12. "Whooooo hoo!, I am moving to the head of the line. His tab read, "Your surgery did not go well, your bowel perforated and now you have an infection. We are going to have to open you up and let you drain."

"What. " said Zak, "I need to talk to the doctor."

"It's a game." said Zelda, "There is no doctor to talk to."

"That is why it is called plug the hole." said Zerbert.

Zak rolled again. He moved his lead syringe to space 23. "There he said, I am ahead."

He uncovered the space and it read. Your wound has been leaking badly and the skin is being eaten by bile. You have a 102 fever and we are putting you on antibiotics. If the leaking does not stop soon the hole in your belly will not be closeable. Other than that you are doing really well."

Zelda rolled again. She moved to space 17. Lifting the tab, she read, "You were healing really well, and the blockage was coming undone. However, when you removed the nasal gastric tube and stole the Twinkies from the nursing station it set you back. Try not to mix Ambien and Morphine next time. Go back to square 8. "

Zerbert's turn. He landed on 21 and read his fortune. "Dr. Hollowman had to go back in. One of the Escargot had stayed behind and was now getting infected. They are real slimy and hard to find. (They look like minature intestines.) We are going to leave your wound open just in case."

To be continued......

Cats For The Ethical Treatment of Anchovies

2009-02-05T09:44:00.001-08:00

The meeting was called to order. There were 8 cats in attendance. The newly elected chairman Zak felt it important to explain why this meeting was more urgent than most of their meetings.

Zak began, "As a result of the economic crisis, we expects a significant uptick in anchovy harvesting. This means upwards of 500 million anchovy will suffer needlessly on their way to becoming cat food, bait and pizza toppings. This is unacceptable!"

Phillipina raised her paw.

Yes, said Zak, pausing in his speech.

She said, "When can we start on the catnip and beer?

Zak said, "As soon as we finish the important business of this association. This crisis means that we are going to have to delay the catnip and beer until our official business is done. We all have to make sacrifices.

Phillipina raised her paw again.

"What, " said Zak.

"I motion we order Anchovy pizza for when the meeting concludes." said Phillipina.

Zelda said," Can we please stick to the agenda? "

Zak coming back to topic. "First, let me go over the rules we are demanding for anchovy comfort and security."

Rule 1: Anchovies caught is nets are not to be kept in the nets for more than 20 minutes as they will experience to much fear and that is cruel to them. (They don't taste as good if they are too fearful when they are caught.)

Rule 2: All anchovy nets will have a weave of 1mm and no larger so that the small anchovies will not get uncomfortable when caught in the holes.

Rule 3: No anchovy skins are to be used for boots or belts.

Rule 4: Anchovies shall only be killed in the most humane and reasonable way. The habit of some cats to either bite the heads off or to take a chunk of anchovy from the middle of the fish is repulsive and must be discouraged.

Rule 5: All endangered species such as dolphins, turtles and rare alligators are to be returned alive to the ocean when caught. If they have already died, then their sacrifice should not be wasted and they should be properly prepared. (A nice butter sauce is best.)

Rule 6: The anchovies are not to be frozen alive as they could wake when thawed and having a second death would be cruel and unusual punishment.

Rule 7: Cats should be encouraged to each flounders as that will save the lives of millions on anchovies.

Zak continued, "Beyond publishing and demanding that these rules be followed, does anyone have any suggestions as to how we can get our message across?"

Zorn, one of the more radical cats in the group spoke up. "We could raid the anchovy boats at night and dump all the anchovies into the sea! We could calling the Pensacola Fish Party. All the anchovies would be saved."

Phillipina, who had managed to get some of the catnip anyhow said, "The are already dead by then silly. We can't eat them if they are in the sea."

"Oh." said Zorn. "Perhaps we could hide in one the holds so we could know they were killed properly. We could film the cruel way the anchovies were treated. No more dull blades for these wonderful fish."

Zak said."Not a bad idea Zorn." Any other ideas?

Zerbert spoke up. "I know how we can get money for our cause."

"How?" said Zak.

"We could apply to the government as an environmental group and the new bill in congress will pay us to save more anchovies." said Zerbert.

"That only works if you are saving endangered species." Said Zelda.

"Anchovies aren't endangered?" said Zorn. "They should be."

Zerbert said. "I know, lets rename our group Cats for the Ethical Treatment of Anchovies and Sea Turtles. That way we get federal funds."

"And turtle soup! said Phillipina.

Zerbert said. "I make a motion."

"I second! said Phillipina.

Then all the cats in attendance voted. The group would now be called "Cats for the Ethical Treatment of Anchovies and Sea Turtles."

It was time for beer and catnip.

Then the door bell rang. The pizza guy said. "Who ordered the anchovy pizza.?

Scrap Night

2009-01-20T17:59:00.000-08:00

The storm raged outside the church as Zelda and her friends hunkered in the dark. Scrap night at the church was about to become a major natural disaster movie starring people who could stand in front of the camera and say, "I am not an actress, I am a real person and I have all of my teeth."

I do however get ahead of myself. Unless you are in the club, the concept of scrap night might mean any number of things to a bunch of cats. It might be an opportunity to dine on half eaten human table scraps thrown unceremoniously away so that the poor starving cats could eat of their generosity. I could be a time when the cats gathered to shred their old blankets so that the scrap fabric could be used for quilting bee to fund some worthy cause like the one chick-fil-et had to save the cows. It was good of them to want to preserve the lives of the future providers of fossil fuels.

To the initiate, the cat in the know, scrap night at the church was an all night scrapbooking, socializing, testifying, and wing dinging it event. It was where the lady cats could get all the church news and church dirt. Some of it true, all of it juicy. Some of it was so juicy that the married cats were not even supposed to tell their husbands as they might get the wrong idea and think of these felines in some improper way. The husbands that did know had their tongues hot glued to the top of their mouths so they could never tell. (Lesson 1 --- How to use a hot glue gun. )

So, it was Friday February, 13. That is correct, Friday the 13th. Scrap night had begun. Jebelee and Zelda were there. Zebelee had to share Zelda's Cricut since hers had melted during the incident. Ceasaria had come and brought her Cricut. Angelique came and had brought her friend Venus. Marriana was there as well. Both Angelique and Venus had brought their Cricuts. The last to show up was Mirth. She had her Cricut, so it did not matter what time she showed up. That meant they had 7 scrappers, 5 Cricuts, and the life history for at least 12 families laid out in the fellowship hall. The Cricuts were laid out next to each other so as they cut their fancy patterns they could harmonize.

As they scrapped and pretended to complete a page every now and again, they told stories. Angelique told about how she met her Jaky. They had been in the home for rescued cats and he had come to her rescue. Venus talked about her first hubby and how he had too much catnip and never took care of them. It was so traumatic when he got stuck in the motorcycle cage at the circus. You would have thought they would have seen him. Of course, now they all broke down in tears. They went through a roll of toilet paper each. Zelda had forgotten the tissue.

That is when the thunder startled them. The lightening surge came bursting through the electrical system and someones Cricut let off a shower of sparks. Then, the lights went out. All of the cats huddled together in the dark. The howling wind picked up outside and they heard what sounded like a freight train coming toward them. The corner of the roof on the church was seared off opening a foot sized hole right above the fellowship hall.

The wind and rain swept into the room, picking up scrapbooks, pages, pictures and whirling them around and around as as if they were worthless paper. (Zak might have thought that.) Then, as suddenly as it started, it was over. The lights flickered once, twice, then came back on. That is when the cats huddled in the center of the room saw the devastation. All the life histories, the pictures, the albums, the acid free paper was now mixed. Venus had picutres of Angelique's Uncle Zorn, the one in prison, next to the picture of her and her new boyfriend. Cricut letters were everywhere. Some had landed on top of Jebelee's Nashville album. They spelled out, "The Pits" perfectly.

Then suddenly there was a huge wail from the place where the Cricuts were. It was Ceasaria. She was holding the fried carcass of her Cricut. The electrical surge had killed it. All the cats gathered around for a supportive hug, promising to share their Cricuts anytime she needed to scrap. (As long as they were not being used at the moment.)

The rest of the evening was spent straitening out who's stuff was whose. It had been a scrap night to remember. Maybe someone would make a page. Did anyone remember to bring a camera?

The Drain Monster

2009-01-18T17:25:00.000-08:00

The Pensacola Community Library was an awesome library. It has books on every topic from drawing and art to science fiction. It was an great place for children. It has whole sections devoted to children's books, childrens' DVDs and video games.

Unfortunately, the children of Pensacola often avoided the library. It was where the drain monster lived. Although an urban legend, the stories of children swallowed up by the storm drain on the front right side of the library gave children and parents the heebee jeebees every time they walked past.

The truth behind what lived in the drain was almost frightening as the myth that had grown up around it. It all started with a hairball.

It is a well known fact that cats tend to lick themselves and create hairballs. In young healthy cats these globs of hair are nothing more than short term intestinal discomfort. However, in older cats, such as Zak's mother Zeone who was now 12 years old, a ripe and wrinkled 96 in cat years, this intestinal discomfort could become a blockage. That is what happened to Zeone.

Zeone was a treasure. If she found out you couldn't play piano in the recital because your hand was mangled, she would tell you about all the successful concert pianists she could think of. If she bought you clothes she would explain how they made you look fat, or anorexic, or pale, or sick. Then she would get mad if you did not thank her for the clothes. If you wore a hat into a diner with her, she would have the help toss you into the street with the other trash. Of course, all this happened before the mackerel crash of 2009.

The surgery to remove the hair ball was successful to the extent that the hairball was removed. The subsequent infection left an open wound in Zeone's belly. A trail of green bile colored slime would follow her every where she went. She was now the worlds largest belly slug.

To Zeone, who prided herself on being a proper cat, that green slime trail was just rude. The doctors told her that if she could not keep her spirits up, then the wound would get worse and eventually kill her. The loss of income from the economic crash had forced her out of her house and no one in her family would take her in. (Something that completely amazed her.) She knew that she would have to entertain herself to stay alive. At this point all she knew to do was to scare children. It was one of her favorite pastimes when she had been well.

Hiding in the drain by the library, when a mom and a couple of kittens would go by, she would hurl herself out of the drain, spewing green goo and scaring the kittens and the mother away. Each time, a wave of joy and health swept over her. With no other place to go, enough rodents and other junk to live on, and of course with a steady supply of children to scare, she moved into the drain.

Over time, her fur fell out, and the green slime filled the spaces around the drain. She took on a horrid cast as she deteriorated. She became know as the drain monster. As long as children came to close to the drain, she would live and feed off their fear. The cat that was Zeone was no more, only the drain monster remained.

To Cricut Or Die

2009-01-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

Zak and Zelda had gone to stay with Zelda's cousin Jebelee. Zelda and Jebelee were busy scrapping and making pages on their Cricuts. Zelda had brought hers over so they could Cricut together.

In the mean time, while all that was going on, Zak was working on Jebelee's computer. As he worked to install the Cricut design studio that had just arrived, Zak could hear the stereo buzzing of the two Cricuts in the other room doing their work. From the sound Zak was sure he was about to be stung by a swarm of tropical over sized poisonous killer bees.

The two girls were laughing and happy as they created their masterworks. By now Zak figured they were making pages from photos taken at Aunt Eartha's 10th birthday party. It did not matter that Aunt Eartha had been dead for 5 years. Zelda and Jebelee stated it the best, "Everything must be scrapped in order from start to finish." As they laughed, talked, gossipped, (not that they thought it was gossip), the mood was set by the scented candles that burned in the living room. One of the candles was on the table next to one of the Cricuts.

In the meantime, Jebelee told Zelda she was going to go down to the store for some more catnip and soda. This was Jebelee's favorite scrapping combination. She always said that it made her more creative.

Zak had come down, having finished the computer work. He was semi curled up on the sofa flipping channels to the rhythm of Cricuts cutting pages. Zelda was focused on arranging Aunt Eartha's birthday cake frill to highlight the photo of her 10th birthday. (That is 80 years old in cat years.) While Zelda was deep in thought about how to come up with a cute name for Aunt Eartha's big day......it happened.

The vibrating of the Cricuts on the table shook the candle off the table catching the couch on fire. It was as if a torch had hit the couch. It exploded into flames with the fire quickly spreading to the rug and chairs. As more of the house caught on fire. Zelda yelled, "Zak get up."

Now, Zak was not known for being fast. He was one of the most rotund cats in all of Florida. While Zak struggled off the other end of the couch, Zelda hurled the scrapbook she was making through the side window, clearing it of glass and saving the scrapbook. Next she grabbed her Cricut and its accessories and while blocking the window, now the only escape from the burning house, she carefully put each item through the window.

Behind Zelda, Zak was yelling, "Hurry up, my tail is on fire, it burns!!!!"

Zelda yelled back, "Just one more cartridge."

As the last Cricut cartridge flew through the window, Zelda could smell burnt cat hair behind her. She jumped through the window, and was followed by a burning and not very graceful Zak. Zak rolled through the dirt trying to put out his tail.

Zelda looked at all her Cricut stuff, now moved to a safe distance from the house, and said,"Look Zak, I saved the Cricut and the scrapbook. Poor Jebelee, she has lost all of her scrapbooks and her Cricut. I feel so sorry for her. "

Zak just stared at her, then passed out from the pain.

Zak's Favorite Car

2009-01-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

On one of their outings Zelda had wheeled Zak to the bay pier neighborhood where one of his favorite sunning spots was. It was on the hood of a rusty worn out faded green Pontiac Regal.

Looking at the car he could not understand why GM could possibly need all that money from the govenment. Their cars lasted forever. This one had been in this neighborhood as long as Zak could remember.

Scrapbook and Software -- Installment 4 of many

2008-10-31T20:10:00.000-07:00

Zak knew he had to find out what had happened and why after all this time and money he was unable to get a working copy of the software he bought. Frankly, he thought, "I'd rather be run over by a lawnmower than have to talk with the Maharishi Phil again." He was speaking from experience in both circumstances. He had a picture in his mind of Adobe customer support.

Still, since he did not really understand all this, he picked up the dreaded phone and called, 1-800-Dot-Help. Actually, he knew that thinking was bad, but it had been a frustrating several days.

The other end on the line picked up and the service representative said in a clear voice, "Thank you for calling Adobe. My name is Sam, how can I help you."

Zak: "Is your name really Sam, or is really Samir, or Samrat or something?"
Sam: "No sir, it is really Sam."
Zak: "Where are you from?
Sam: "New Jersey."
Zak: "This is not India."
Sam: "No sir, I grew up in the United States. How can I help you."
By this point Zak was feeling more than a little bit embarrassed.

Zak: "I bought this software, got a key, and downloaded the software. Now when I go to install the software it says invalid key. "

Sam: "What is the key?"

Zak reluctantly gave Sam the key thinking he had been down this road already. Sam then asked for the order number. Zak looked that up and gave it to him as well.

Sam: "One second while I look at this."

Sam came back to the phone a minute later and said, "It appears that the people you ordered the software from ordered the Standard Photoshop license, but the Pro Photoshop download. So the key you have is for Standard"

Zak: "Ok, then can you give me the rights to download the software that goes with my key."
Sam: "No sir. I can't. You have to talk to your vendor."
Zak: "I have already paid to download the software that I purchased the license for, and it is a lower version than the software I was able to download, yet you can not make this right?"

Sam: "That is correct."

Zak: "I paid for the software license and the right to download it, yet Adobe will do nothing so that I have what I paid for. Is there nothing you can do.?"
Sam: "I can mail the software to you or your can talk to your vendor."
Zak: "You can mail the software, but not make it available for download."
Sam: "That is correct."
At this point Zak could not take anymore. He said,"Please go ahead and mail the software."
Sam: "I will take care of it. Your order number is 1239999939359898590932."
Zak: "So there is nothing I can do to get you guys to make the software available for download, since that is what I paid for?"
Sam: "No Sir. That is our policy."
Zak:"Thank you for mailing the software. I understand there is nothing I can do but wait. I will have to complain about all this, if I can figure out who to complain to. It has been a ridiculous process."
Sam:"Feel free to complain all you want. Your order number is 1239999939359898590932."
Zak: "Goodbye Sam"

Sam: "ALVIDA Zak."

Four days later the software came in the mail postmarked from Mumbai, Indian.

Can you find the Adobe Customer Service Center?

Scrapbooks and Software Part III

2008-10-30T10:28:00.001-07:00

After the call to AmazingCat Software, Zak was assured that they would straighten out the mess and he could finally get his software and start using it. The guy at AmazingCat had explained that the person they bought the software from did not actually work for AmazingCat but was a outside contractor. AmazingCat would, however, call Adobe and see that the software Zak had purchased was made available. AmazingCat said it would take about 24 hours.

About the same time the next day Zak got an email from Adobe. It said for him to log in to the same account they had sent before. Zak did so, and was at first confronted with an ominous message that said, "You have two accounts with the same name registered at Adobe. If this should not be the case, then contact Adobe support. " Both account names were clickable......

One account held the same license key that he had downloaded previously. The other account held a downloadable version of Adobe Photoshop. Zak was thrilled, he downloaded the software and 30 minutes later had an executable package from which to start installing Photoshop. He could feel it. He was now just moments away from having the ability to do great graphics with the ease and stroke of a mouse.

Once the software was downloaded Zak eagerly clicked on the install file. The install started fine. It then asked if he had any other copies of Photoshop running. Zak said no. Then the license key box, (serial number box) came up. Zak took the serial number he had downloaded and printed and entered it into the box. There were 24 digits in the number with dashes between the number. He carefully entered the number into the space provided. He double checked that he had done so correctly. Then he clicked next.

At this point, his dreams were crushed. The message said,"Invalid serial number." please contact Adobe support. Zak clicked the back button and double checked the number, then clicked next...... same message. He went back again and took out the dashes, then clicked next. Once again he is facing the "Invalid serial number" message. He tried changing the O's to 0's and this did not work. Once again he called customer support.

Customer Support: "Thank you for calling Adobe. My name is Mirdu. How can I help you?"

Zak: "I downloaded the software for Photoshop, put in the serial number and I keep getting the message, Invalid serial number."

Mirdu: "Did you type the number in correctly?"

Zak: "Yes I did, with dashes, without dashes, with O's, without 0's, with Ohs for Zeros, and every which way."

Mirdu: "Please give me the serial number."

Zak: Repeated the serial number for him and Mirdu said, "Just one moment while I check."

Mirdu: "The serial number is valid."

Zak: "The serial number does not work."

Mirdu:"Sir, it is a valid serial number."

Zak: "The please tell me why it does not work."

Mirdu:"I can not tell you that. It is a valid number."

Zak:"I am telling you it does not work." (getting louder now)

Mirdu:"I can put you through to technical support."

Zak: "I don't need technical support, I need a correct serial number."

Mirdu: "I will transfer you to technical support now."

Dial tone......................

Dial tone.....................

Phone: "Please hang up and try your call again."

To be continued.

Scrapbooks and Software Installment 2 of Many

2008-10-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

Zak's first attempt to rectify the problem with Adobe had ended miserably. He however had the key to his software, the precious serial number needed to install photoshop. Now all he needed was the software. "How hard can that be?" He wondered.

He decided to call the support line back, and perhaps this time he would get an Indian that could speak fluent English, or an American that could speak fluent English. Either one would be an improvement. This time the person that answered the phone said, "Hello, thank you for calling Adobe Support, my name is Masilmani, but you can call me Mary. How can I help you."

By now Zak was onto this game. He said, "My name is Zak, you can call me Z and it is spelled Z.......!"

Mary: "Ok Z, how can I help you."
Zak: "I bought photoshop and you all sent me a link to get the key. I went on the site, got the key, but now I can not get the software."
Mary: "Can you give me the key."
Zak: "Sure, it is 1287-0984-9998-0033-0087-3579"
Mary: "That is a valid key, so what is the problem."
Zak: "I have no software to install with the key. How do I download it?"
Mary: "You can't."
Zak: "What do you mean I can't."
Mary: "You did not by the media, just the key."
Zak: "How can I get the software?"
Mary: "You have to get your vendor to by the right to download the software."
Zak: "Your telling me I spent all this money and it does not include the software!"
Mary: "That is correct you are going to have to talk to your vendor again."
Zak: "Can you not make the software available."
Mary: "No, your vendor has to put in the correct order."
Zak: "The download is almost free to you all, you can't make this right."
Mary: "You have to call your vendor."
Zak: "You must be kidding me. Can I talk to your supervisor?"
Mary:"You have to call your vendor to fix this."
Zak: "You did not answer the question, can I talk to your supervisor? Is there someone beside you I can discuss this with?
Mary: "No, sir. I am it. You have to call your vendor."
Zak: "So, you are telling me that you refuse to let me talk to your supervisor?"
Mary: Silence
Zak: "Are you refusing to let me talk to your supervisor?"
Mary: "One moment please."

At this point Zak walked into his kitchen and took a double dose of blood pressure pills and eyed the Zolof longingly. Eventually, Mary came back on line.

Mary: "My supervisor says he does not want to talk to you." You will have to call your vendor."

Zak hung up. He had not choice but to try and reach the vendor. Funny, he thought, Mansilmani means "Pure, without any blemishes. Why would someone with that name work for Adobe. Must be wishful thinking on their part.

To be continued....

Scrapbook and Software -- Installment 1 of many

2008-10-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

Zak knew he was not all that sentimental. He did however want to remember some of the more notable events in his life. He smiled remembering the cat they had covered with Nair, the rotten mackerel caper, the Pensacola body shop fire, and the cat invasion on 2007. Of course, both Angus and Zelda deserved to be memorialized in scrap book history. Even though he had pictures they were not the best quality. Zak decided to order a copy of Photoshop from Adobe so he could fix up the pictures. He wanted to get rid of the red eye, take a few pounds off of himself, and create a compromising picture of Ms. Frizzle so she would stop taking that bus out so early each morning. Buses are not supposed to have rocket engines anyhow.

Zak went to AmazingCat Software, and online software distributor and bought his software. Amazing cat had promised to email him a link to his license so he could download and use that license. Indeed, 4 days later, a link arrived to Adobe Licensing. Zak followed the link, put in the user name and password they supplied and voila, he was in. With just a few more clicks of the mouse, he had his product key for Adobe Photoshop 9.0. He looked around the site however, and there was no link to download the product.

Still excited about his purchase and the product he called Adobe Support. The first fellow he got had a deep Indian accent. The conversation went like this.

Support Person: "Deese is Adobe Sport, can I yelp you? What is your name?"
Zak: "My name is Zak Cat, I wanted to get the software I purchased."
Support Person: "I sorry, but could you spell your name?
Zak: "Z..A..K..C..A..T"
Support Person: "Can I spell it back to you?"
Zak: "Sure."
Support Person:"Z..A..K..C..A..P"
Zak: "No that is not correct it is....."
Support Person: "What is your name again."
Zak: "That's Zak Cat , Z..A..K..C..A..T"
Support Person: "My name is Wames, how can I yelp you?"
Zak: "James, I have my product key, but can't seem to download the software."
Support Person: "Have you gone to the sport site."
Zak: "No, I went to the licensing site where you all sent me."
Support Person: "That is not my departwent. I will tranfer you. What is your name?"
Zak: "Zak, Z..A..K!!!!"
Support Person: "I tranfer. Hold won.
......BEEP..... Dial Tone..............................................
.......................................................................
Zak called back.

Frogs

2008-10-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

One of Zak's favorite pastimes was watching as tadpoles turned into frogs. There was a small pond on the side of Angus's house that each season would house 100's of small black tadpoles. They would be so thick they would seem like a shadow moving under the surface. As the days would pass, they would turn into tiny frogs leaving the pond for the great outdoors.

Usually, Zak would just watch them. However, he was a predator, or so he would pretend. Every now and then he would paw one or lay very still by the side of the pond with his mouth wide open. Sooner or later one fresh new morsel would hop strait into his mouth. It was like holding your mouth open while it rained and every so ofter a drop would land on your tongue.

Yes, there is nothing better that catching a few rays while a tasty morsel or two just fell from the sky into your mouth. The frog season did not last long. While they were fresh and young they were soft and chewy. Once they got older they were touch and slimy. Zak felt that was something better left for the birds.

Zak Gets Political

2008-10-09T17:22:00.000-07:00

Zak seldom gets political. Unfortunately, from being a committed couch cat, a few opinions had sunk in. So, he made this poem.

Obama Rhymes With

There was a man named Obama
Whose name rhymed with Osama
No one thought there was a connection
Until after Obama won the election.

Then Barack Hussien
Started to play the game,
With his hands on foreign aid,
Hamas could perform more raids.

With Michelle in the White House
She was now proud of her spouse,
Barack had proven he was no bum,
He would never live in a slum.

Iran would not be a threat,
He would kiss the mullahs and make nice,
That they would have a bomb is a good bet,
Like Russian roulette he would role the dice.

At home he would give away the store,
He'd milk the rich
And he would house and feed the poor,
America would be no more.

Zak Invests in the Market

2008-10-06T17:30:00.002-07:00

"Zelda." said Zak excitedly. "We need to invest in the mackerel catch next week. All the big boats are going out and I think we can do very well."

"What do you mean?. Mackerel has been very plentiful. The price has gone down and down over the last year. What makes you think that next week's catch will be anything but as good as it has been the past year?

Zelda watched Zak's quirky grin. She could tell that something was up.

Zak said,"I think that the price is about to go way up, and we are going to own a lot of mackerel by the time it does. Kinda like the oil companies. First they made everyone think there was no gas, then they raised the price out of the roof, and when it was all said and done, they did not bother to lower the price. So, we are going the be the mackerel kings. The cats that never run out of fish!

Zelda, looking hard at Zak, said. "Something about this plan really stinks. It is very fishy. I know you Zak, this has the makings of a disaster."

Zak smiled. "How many of your cousins can you get to meet me out by the crepe myrtles tonight?"

"About 60."

"Perfect! Tell them to meet me there at 7:00 PM and I will lay out the whole plan."

When the cats arrived, there were 6 groups of them. The Wharfcats, the BoatInsiders, the WallStreeters, the BankCats, StockCats, and the MainCats. As Zak explained, each group was to first go and buy up all the mackerel left at the market place and stick the fish on ice. Zak gave each group enough money to do that and some incentive. He suggested they each put their own money in as well. Once that was done, they were to pan out to the 80 key fish restaurants around the panhandle. They were to sneak in at night and take or eat all the mackerel at each establishment.

Once that was done, Zak would put in an anonymous call to the news about the severe mackerel shortage. No mackerel could be found anywhere and rough conditions next week were supposed to make for a bad catch. It was up to the BoatInsiders to make sure that was true. By the time the boats returned, with there poor catch, the price of mackeral would go through the roof. Zak and company would have the only source of "imported" fine mackeral. Then said Zak,"We'll unfreeze the stock and make a killing."

The plan was put into motion. The BoatInsiders got onto the fishing boats as they went out and before the boats could get to the point where they could drop their nets, the nets were full of mackerel sized holes. Just enough so that much of the catch could escape. Only one of the BoatInsiders, a cat named Baitboy was caught. His boat captain threw him into the bait tank for the rest of the trip. He came close to being put on a hook and thrown in as bait, but fortunately he avoided that difficult fate. By the time he was caught, most of the nets would not hold much mackerel

While the boats were out news of the mackerel shortage broke. Rumours that the catch would be poor flew about. People rushed to restaurants and stores to buy up the mackerel they could. The price went up and up. Mackerel lines formed with people fearing they would not get their share. As soon as the fishing boats returned with news of the poor catch, Zak opened the Imported Fine Mackerel Emporium.

People lined up for miles around to get their share. At first Zak sold his mackerel at $4.00 per lb. As the lines go longer he raised the price to $8.00 per lbs. His posse had collected almost 50,000 lbs of mackerel. They were doing well.

There was one small problem, or two. The warehouse that Zak had found to store the mackerel was out of power for two of the 8 days it took to implement the plan. People across the city were getting sick from spoiled rotting fish. Butter and seasoning could hide a lot of bad taste, but sooner or later they would trace the stuff back to Zak. As soon as the mackerel was sold out, Zak closed the Imported Fine Mackerel Emporium and posted a sign. Moved to Atlanta, Ga. putting his ex wife's address and work phone on the sign. Surely, no one would see anything fishy about that.

A week after the illnesses and hubbub over the mackerel shortage, rumors of a need for a bailout for mackerel fisherman started to fly. No one wanted mackerel since it had gone bad. Zak and company split up the profits and enjoyed fine dining for quite a while following the caper. The price of mackerel fell to rock bottom and a few old people died from spoiled fish. All in all Zak felt they had done very well.

Zak and the Power Company

2008-10-05T06:39:00.000-07:00

A little known detail about cats that few in the human world appreciate is that cats are very sensitive to the electrical surges coursing through the high voltage lines that criss-cross our country.

As it happened there was an easement, (sneaky term for the power company being able to do anything they want on your property and not having to pay your for it.) that ran across the back part of Zak and Zelda's property. The power company had run some new lines going from the new shopping mall that replaced the retirement cat neighborhood to the substation that was now next to the community pool.

Zak thought, "When one of those wires falls it will be interesting to see how fast the little cats swimming in the community pool become toast."

In any case, in order to run the new lines the power company had put up two poles on "their" easement. In the process the power company dug 17 holes in the yard. Zak just wanted the 15 other holes they had dug filled in. He just did not understand why it took 17 holes for 2 power poles. Each time Zak would go to that part of his yard, he would be so irritated his fur would stand on edge. It was not good for preserving his Zen like peaceful state of mind.

One of the many calls he made to the power company went like this:
"Hello, you have reached Gulf Power, listen carefully because our menu has changed, for English press 1, for Espanol, press 2, for Pig Latin, press 3, for Arabic press 4, for $$#***)(4&&&_!* press 5, and for any other language, if you will send us a certified letter from your attorney we will add it to this message."

Zak pressed 1 (There was no option for cat)

Now said the automated Gulf Power telephone system in its sexy soothing female voice, "To pay your bill press 1, to report a problem press 2."

Zak pressed 2.
The automated system responded, "To report a downed power wire press 1, To report a power outage press 2, For all other problems press 3."

Zak pressed 3.

Then the system began, "For a billing problem, press 1, for all other problems press 2."

Zak pressed 2.

As kind and persistent as all the other times, the automated teller said,"Hello, you have reached Gulf Power, listen carefully because our menu has changed, for English press 1, for Espanol, press 2, for Pig Latin, press 3, for Arabic press 4, for $$#***)(4&&&_!* press 5, and for any other language, if you will send us a certified letter from your attorney we will add it to this message. If you have reached this number in error please hang up and try your call again, or press 9 for the previous menu.

At this point Zak ran down to Home Depot, bought 15 Crepe Myrtles, a tree that would soon overrun the power company lines and which could not be stopped, and planted them in the holes Gulf Power had left behind. Zak thought, "At least I am doing my part to reverse the effects of global warming."

Zaks Thoughts For The Day

2008-09-30T20:52:00.001-07:00

Better a chicken on a stick than a chicken on the run.

Better Nair than bikini hair. (No picture available.)

Zak and Zelda On A Date

2008-09-29T20:52:00.000-07:00

It was seldom that Zak and Zelda went out on a date. As two house happy cats, it would seem unlikely that there would be any reason to go on a date. Nevertheless, the renewal of romance was a necessity, even for two middle aged cats that had been together for a long time.

They had decided to go to the Cat Diner. In reality this was the shore area by the pylons under the Wharf restaurant. The Wharf was well know and had a great view of Pensacola Bay as the sun set. For a human, the view and the smell from under the restaurant wouldn't seem particularly attractive. For a cat, however, the smell and site of rotting fish was a delight. Cats from far and wide would congregate and eat fish on the logs that had accumulated beneath the Wharf. One of those logs was Zak and Zelda's favorite table.

Since the Wharf was quite some distance away from their home, and since Zak's bulk no longer permitted him to walk that distance, he and Zelda had acquired a child size supermarket cart. Zak would climb in the top and Zelda would push the cart to their destination. Once at the destination, Zelda, with a massive effort, would heave the cart to its side and dump Zak out, helping him to unwedge himself.
Once seated at their table, Zelda had rounded up two nearly complete fish, still fresh in sauce. (sea water) and brought these to the table. They ate and talked and watched the sun set on the horizon. As time wore on, the lights from the restaurant above filtered down and provided a romantic setting for the two love cats to stair into each other's diamond shaped eyes.

It wasn't long before their friend Kate came by. She stared at Zak with contempt. Then she said, " I haven't forgiven you."

Zak responded smirking. "Your coat is looking remarkably very new and shiny. I am glad to see you are recovering." At that Kate turned around and stormed off. Zak started to snicker.

"What was that about?" asked Zelda.

"Remember a few weeks ago when you wheeled me over here so you could look for some cans or contraptions we could make into mousetraps. You left me on the Wharf with some of the cans you found while you went to find some more. Kate came by and I told her we were experimenting with shaving cream, making ourselves into big white fluffy balls. I told her humans thought that was cute. Anyhow, I covered her head to toe in Nair foam. She was so proud and pranced up and down the wharf trying to get some human to notice her big white fluffiness.

Zak explained, "I was already about to burst out laughing when she started yelling, "It burns! It burns!" She ran into the bay screaming as if she were on fire. When she came up, she was as bald and wrinkled as one of those hairless mice you are always hoping to find. When you came back there was so much to do to get the cans and me back into our cart that I forgot tell you."

By now, Zelda was laughing too. The good humor lasted them all the way back home.

Snotasaurous

2008-09-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

Zak was house bound, barely able to move off the couch, with rolls of tissue in front of him to collect the big green balls of snot. The snot seemed to bubble up out of nowhere from a bottomless nasal cavern. He could picture himself as a massive dinosaur lumbering after its prey, hurling slimy green snot balls. These would knock the prey down and gum up its ability to escape.

The prehistoric, fierce, feared and horrible snotassaurus.

Government Bailout Free Halibut For All

2008-09-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

Zak was in his sedentary phase. Actually he never left his sedentary phase unless forced by circumstance to move around. With Angus working most days Zak listened to the TV, which Angus commonly left on for him. Angus was apparently not worried that unattended TVs caused 30% of the fatal house fires in the US. At least, that was the rumor Zak had heard. Zak had also heard that there was a beach in California where grunion came onto shore in the 1000's just to be eaten. Now that would be a fulfilling vacation.

In watching the news Zak heard about such things as the mortgage crisis, about how a bunch of fat cats were getting rich. He thought to himself, that he wanted to be one of those fat cats. However, as he listened it got more and more confusing. The fat cats they were talking about all seemed to run companies where the government was going to give them a bunch of money. If they were rich already, why was the government giving them money?

He heard the word bailout and the fact that all these mortgage loans were in default. Zak figured that meant they were not being paid back. (He was pretty smart for a couch cat.) If the loans were not being paid back, why were the people that held the loans not being bailed out so they could pay the loans. If they could pay the loans then these companies would not be in trouble. Why pay off the investors. The fact that they had the money to invest meant they did not need the money in the first place.

Kinda like bank loans Zak thought. The banks never lend to someone they think does not have any money. They lend to people that don't need the loan. That way the bank makes money. Like duh.

It is like a cat has 10 fish, and five of them are rotten. Is the best approach to just throw away the five rotten fish and take the loss or is it better to help the cats that caught the fish get more. Somehow, the government seems to be throwing sway the rotten fish instead of building a better base with fresh fish. Zak new the analogy did not work, but he was a cat after all.

The long an short of it, the government is saving the institutions and people that did not manage their stuff well so that they can continue not to manage their stuff well while letting the millions that are struggling lose their homes. It would cost a lot less to give just enough help to the millions so their mortgages are on time, and to let the big investors take the hit they deserve.

It is just one cats opinion, but government for the all the cats is better than government to save the asses of the rich cats. The save the asses method just means a repeat crisis down the road. Nothing was fixed. Helping those that are struggling puts them on the road to recovery, and will also save the investors that can wait for the help to occur.

The Mortgage Crisis - One Cat's Tale

2008-09-20T12:39:00.000-07:00

Zak, ruffled fur up, except on the bald spot, looked over at Zelda, and was saying, "I don't understand, Roy, our UPS Cat has worked hard raising two sets of 12 kittens into fine strapping felines yet his home is being foreclosed on.

Roy's House

The company that is foreclosing on him is Wells FatCat The money for that mortgage came from a deal put together by the Goldman Cats Group in New York City. Even worse, he says they just made up a bunch of new rules when he called them to make arrangements. They refused to make reasonable arrangements and sent him an agreement letter he never agreed to. He complained, and so they did the same thing again with a foreclosure letter. They would call his home phone 5 to 7 times a day leaving one message and letting it ring the other times. They would call his cell phone at least 5 times a day. The caller id would often say "Unknown" or #5 but the trace was WellFat Cat Mortgage. The have pretty much cost Roy his sanity.

"Why does that matter? asked Zelda.

"Apparently", said Zak, very puzzled, "The Big Cat there may lose some of his $50 million annual bonus. His kitty litter is a box of fine cut diamonds. The pooh won't even stick to it.

"I bet Roy works much harder every day than those cats, yet for $3000 they will take his home. The people that lent all that money, probably with Roy's own pension money seem to be doing just fine." said Zak, "I am afraid that Roy might do something foolish."

The question is, who let this happen and why are investor cats doing well when the common cats are becoming alley cats? Working cats in the country can't even afford to keep a good set of work boots. More and more these investor cats are wearing Jimmy Chews.

Read more:

Nothing was done when this was serious over a year ago.

Individual bonuses vary, with some administrative staff receiving nothing and executives such as Lloyd Blankfein, Goldman Sachs Group Inc.'s CEO, getting more than $50 million on top of his $600,000 salary. Even Blankfein's pay, which is based partly on the firm's operating results and stock performance, may be lower. Goldman's stock, after climbing 56 percent last year, has dropped 12 percent in 2007Revenue, which gained 49 percent in 2006, rose 11 percent in the first half of 2007.

When the Pensacola Police Department came to remove Roy from his now foreclosed upon house, one of the two steroid bulked cats they always used for these jobs knocked on the door. There was no answer, only an eerie quiet. They pushed open the door to Roy's house. It was unlocked. There was a sign at the back of the room where they entered that said, "Beware of dog!" The two cats turned their thick necks to look at each other while one said. "What dog?"

That was when the door from the back room burst open and suddenly the two cats were starring at an 85 pound pit bull. Roy was standing behind the pit bull. "Easy there CatEater." said Roy.
"Officers, meet CatEater. He is imported straight from Baton Rouge. The police there let him go because he could not be handled. I hope you plan on testing him."

One of the police cats said, "Roy, it is time for you to get out of the house so the mortgage people can resell your house."

Roy responded by saying,"I will be glad to get out, but only after you let CatEater play with you all for a while. He just loves to play cops and rib eyes." You can tell the judge and those crooks at WellsFat Cat that they can have the house when they pay back the money the government gave them to buy my mortgage and all those other mortgages the government has now paid for. Why should they still own the mortgage when they paid for it rather than my being given a better chance to pay for it myself?"

"In the meantime, CatEater and I will stay here. As far as we are concerned this is now government housing. The feds paid WellsFat Cat Mortgage for it, we paid our taxes, now CatEater and I own it. So," said Roy, "Get out or get eaten."

Top Stories

Romancing the Cat

2008-09-15T10:25:00.001-07:00

Zak and Zelda had not always been a couple. In fact, for each of them the most profound event impacting how they saw the world happened before they met each other. Perhaps it was their shared sense of danger that brought them together, or perhaps it was simply because they both needed something fill their lonely hearts. They are however cats and who really know how cats think. Their partnership would change the way Pensacola saw cats.

Zak was profoundly affected by the lawn mover incident. Even though he had pretty much recovered physically, (except for the hair on his back that would never grow again) he had become far more of a house and futon cat than ever before. The outside world held dangers he would rather avoid. For now, he preferred to stay away from the whirling blades of death.

Zelda on the other hand had always been an adventurous cat. She loved to move around the neighborhood looking for birds, mice and squirrels. Her thick black coat had made hiding in the shadows a skill at which she was very adept. When she brought home a treat for her owners, the Fishers they never seemed particularly thrilled.

She had tried everything she could think of to make the Fishers happy. She had brought home the bottom half of a squirrel and they had tossed it in the garbage. Several mice had followed the squirrel into the garbage. The bird got thrown somewhere in the trees behind the house. Each gift was not appreciated. The fish head had gone into the garbage disposal. That was a crime. In any case, no treat she brought home for them seemed to make them happy.

From that standpoint, it was not a big surprise when her owners, the Fishers, moved and did not wait for Zelda. They left her behind with no warm place to bring her special catches. Even though the Pensacola area where she lived did not get particularly cold, it was very difficult to survive without some help from somewhere. After weeks of exploring farther and farther from her old house and living on morsels she caught, she found a house with a pet door.

Its funny, looking at a pet door from the outside, when you don't know what pet the door belongs to can be frightening. What if the door belongs to some vicious bull dog name Bruiser? What if Bruiser likes to tear cats up and bring their back half to their masters? Now, thought Zelda, "That is a scary thought. I am glad I am not a squirrel."

She worried that the owners might be Chinese. The Fishers had alway called the Chinese restaurant down the street cat-dog. When they fussed at Zelda they would threaten to sell her to Cat-Dog. Surely, these people wouldn't want to eat a skinny anorexic cat.

Nevertheless, hunger was getting the better of her otherwise good cat sense. Her thick black coat had become straggly and matted. She was now very thin and a bit mangy. She had always been a cat that wanted to stay in shape and be thin so she could attract the appropriate Tom cat at some point. Exile had driven her to the edge of thinness. She could now be considered anorexic. In fact, her stomach had shrunk so much from her time in the wilderness that she had lost the ability to eat big meals.

The door beaconed with its ultrawide span. She waited most of the day to see what would come out of the door within a door. "Whatever pet that was, it could certainly hold its pee. " She thought. "Maybe.", she hoped, "It was a cat with a litter box, not some cat eating monster. " A dark decended, she ventured into the house.

Carefully, Zelda pushed in the pet door. It's flap seemed to move stiffly as if it was not used very much. Inside, she could see the kitchen and the counters towering above her over the dimly lit tile floor. As she pushed her thin body through the door the springs closed tightly on her tail making her think that she was caught. She jerked her body and her tail away from the door and launched herself into one of the lower cabinets. Bouncing of the cabinet door and scrambling to get he feet under her, the door opened and the largest bag of cat feed Zelda had ever seen tumbled down over her.

With her feet flying, throwing cat food pellets all over the kitchen she slid into the living room and then tumbled into a huge pillow. Here she froze. When she looked up in the shadowy light she could see the largest cat apparition that ever existed towing over her on top of the pillow. Zak staired down at the mangy black scrawny cat and cleared his throat.

Looking over the edge of his pillow down at the pitiful Zelda shaking in her matted fur. Zak, ever the opportunistic cat, said, "You know that if you are going to stay here there will have to be a few rules. First, Angus my owner is asleep right now. Never wake him up. You almost broke that rule already. Secondly, you are going to have to disappear when he is awake. You understand?"

Zelda, still trembling, "Nodded and said, "I understand."

"Now." said Zak, "Go clean up that mess you made and come find a pillow to lay on. I want to hear how you found this place. I don't go out much, and I am hoping you can tell me what is going on out there.

Window Replacement

2008-09-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

While I, Zak was getting ready for his big trip to Belize I witnessed some excitement around the home pad. Some guy and his wife had come around the neighborhood and had offered Angus a chance to have the tree limbs and branches that overhung the house cleared for just $60. To Angus, it seems like a bargain, especially since neither I nor Zak were much on heights.

Actually, I had a huge fear. I could envision myself landing and the ground exploding with the force of artillery. Cannonball cat they would call me. My days of catching birds in trees were long gone. Angus also, had a fear of heights. If he climbed up three feet off the ground he got so scared that he could not come back down. It's embarrassing to have the fire department save you off of your own roof. So, Angus said, "It a deal."

"What's your name?" asked Angus

"I'm Billy and that over there," he said pointing at his wife who was still in their F150, "Is Connie Lou." Angus should have guessed that he was in trouble by now. Who names their child Connie Lou?

Connie Lou got out of the truck while Angus got the ladder out of the truck. Angus had expected to see a 10 foot extension ladder so they could get onto the roof to cut the limbs. Instead a 6 foot aluminum folding ladder came out of the truck and he an Connie Lou had a brief discussion as to what was the lowest part of Angus's house from which to climb up. In this case it was the front porch.

Billy was about 6 foot tall with crooked and yellow teeth. He was a redneck right out of the book of redneck. He looked to be 40 years old, but a well worn out 40, and he was greasy. Now, by that I don't mean sweaty like someone that has worked hard all day and is just messed up. It was more like the skin oil had settled onto and into his skin. His pores had long ago drowned for lack of air. A single man who if the oil was recovered from his skin could provide enough bio fuel for all of North America for a year.

Billy placed the ladder on the front porch and had Angus hold it for him. The top of the ladder, the step that says, do no step here, was still two feet from the lower edge of the roof. No matter, Billy climbed on up. Up with him came the 18ft extension pole saw. Basically this was a serrated blade on a stick. Reaching up from the lower part of the roof Billy would stretch out the saw and cut the limbs of the overhanging oak. They would then fall and land on the roofing tiles, then bounce on the ground. Angus looked worried at this point. He was thinking, one of those is going to take out the gutter.

Billy would reach up way into the air, start sawing with the pole saw and the limb he was working on would sway back and forth until he was most of the way through. Then the blade would get stuck and he would yank and yank until forcing his way through the limb. For each one it would fall down, bounce off the roof, glance off the house gutter then settle onto the ground. Each time Angus felt relief that there had been no damage to the house. Connie Lou would then haul the limb up to the road so it could be hauled away by the local county debris people.

She was only about 5'5" and very wiry. She had some sort of death's head tattoo on the side of her neck. Who gets a tattoo right on their jugular vein? What if the tattoo artist poked a carotid or jugular? She needed a T-Shirt that said, "I laugh at the risk of infection from tattoos, I would rather bleed to death."

By now Billy had moved up to the roof peak and was eying the worst of the branches. A large pine branch about 8 inches in diameter. It hung over the roof, and spread itself across 12 feet. When it fell if it went to the left it could take out all the wires going to the house, power, cable, phone, etc. If it came onto the roof it could be safely dragged to the lower edge and pushed onto the ground. Connie Lou yelled up. "You need me to come hold that sucker."

Billy answered, "No I have it."

Billy then proceeded to use his consistently delicate technique to remove the limb. Saw, Saw, Saw. About this point Angus yelled up. "Shouldn't you tie it off or at least be holding the limb."

Billy said. "Not until I am closer to through the limb."

Yank, yank, yank harder. The limb starts to fall. Billy grabs one of the branches. The limb swings toward the house. It snags on the pole saw and rips it from Billy's other hand. The pole saw heads toward the ground. Billy still holds on to a small branch pulling the heavy end in toward the second story window. It smashes into the window, all 8 inches of diameter, shattering six panes of glass and crumpling the window's aluminum frame. Large pieces of glass, small shards, and glass powder explode into the upstairs study.

I heard the explosion from my vantage point on one of the sills on the first floor. I hauled my portly self upstairs to look at the mess. There was glass in the hallway. I could not go any farther without serious risk to my satin paws. I thought to myself, "The upstairs study was one of my favorite places to sleep. That glass would have made me into chopped liver pate. Close call."

I could hear Angus talking to the guy. Asking him to come down. Once the guy came down he looked at the window and said, "I don't know what to say, this has never happened before. I will tell you what, "How 'bout you give me $20 and we will call it even?"

Angus had a wild look in his eyes and said, "You got to be kidding me. I'll have to replace that whole window, it going to cost far more than $60.00 to do that."

Then the guy said, "OK, how about we call it even and I will finish cutting the other limbs?"

Angus replied, "No, we will call it even for now. I will call you when I know how much it cost. For now we are done."

The guy started rambling on about he did not know what to do. It never happened before. This was a first time. At this point Angus just sent the guy home.

The rest of the day was spent borrowing a real ladder, cutting Plexiglas to fit the hole,(That stuff has become expensive.) and finding someone to climb the ladder and install the temporary fix with silicone sealant. I understood that Angus really did not want to do that himself. He would never survive a fall from 15 feet. They would need a crane to pull him from the crater.

The indoor cleanup went pretty well. The sound of broken glass whirling around in a Dyson vacuum is really frightening. When all is said and done, I think Angus learned a couple of lessons such as:

Don't do business with anyone that does not own an extension ladder.
Don't let anyone on your roof whose wife has a death's head on her neck.
Do let the tree limbs grow over your roof, it is safer and cheaper that way.

For a simple fat cat, these events made for an exciting day.

Missions Trip

2008-09-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

Zak knew he wanted to go on a missions trip. His church (yes, cats have churches) had a missions trip going to help old cats in Belize. These were mainly Jaguars that had gotten too old to hunt. By having a home where these cats could get chicken on a stick rather than their being impaled while trying to get the villagers chicken on the run the missionary cats could save many of the old warriors. Further, by holding services for them each night many of these old warriors would come to know the lord.

The first challenge once Zak had received the call was to raise the money for the trip. Angus put up most of it. It is always cool to have a supportive family member, even if they are motivated by needing a break from the daily chore of emptying the kitty litter box. Angus needed one of those automated kitty litter doodads. These had come a long way since they used to scoop up the cat along with the litter.

The missions leader for the trip was EvangelCat. He was a youth pastor at his home church. EvangelCat had a incredible heart for people and for helping people. He was also in incredible shape. Of course, if working with big cats, it helped to be able to move fast in case they wanted to eat you before you could tell them about the chicken sanctuary. EvangelCat had explained to everyone about the price of the tickets and that the cost of the trip would be $1,400 per cat. A big part of that was the plane fair. To fly from Pensacola to Houston to Belize was $1,400. However he had been able to get a deal. They would fly from Pensacola to Atlanta to Charlotte then change planes. Next they would fly to Chicago then to Houston and onto Belize. The plane fair would only be $600 per cat. Zak did not understand that. The other money went to supplies, bibles, building materials, food and for a day of entertainment. They were going to go snorkeling. Yum.

Zak had sent out his fund raising letters so he could raise support for the trip. He got a call from one of his new age friends , Florence NightingCat all angry and irritated. She said, "How dare you ask me for money so you can approach other cats and ask them to change their beliefs. I will never give to something like that."

Calmly, Zak said to her, "In the olden days the people in the area where I am going used to take their neighbors, strap them to an altar and cut out their hearts. Are you saying it is wrong to try and change their beliefs?"

"Florence snorted, "That is not what I meant. They don't do that anymore."

"What you mean." Zak said, "Is that it is wrong to change their beliefs to something you don't believe in."

"You know what I mean. It is just horrid." said Florence and the phone went dead.

Fortunately for Zak, many of his friends did give and he raised enough to leave on the trip.

Cat Hospital

2008-09-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

Zelda the black anorexic cat wheeled Zak into the emergency room of the cat hospital. It was rare for the ER to be so very unbusy at 9:30 on a Friday night, but tonight there were just a few cats in chairs waiting for treatment.

Zak's shoulder was bleeding profusely where he had tumbled from the shopping cart on their way to the Elton Cat concert. The cart's front wheels had caught on someone's big, way oversized glasses and sent all 57 pounds of Zak flying from the cart toward the pavement at the edge of the beach road. Zak had try to tuck and roll, but at 57 pounds and hardly able to walk, that did not work so well. He hit hard, his shoulder impaling itself on a broken half of a Snapple Healthy Grean Tea bottle.

Even though Zelda had stuffed rags in the wound, the process of getting Zak back in to the cart and getting him to the Cat Hospital had been difficult. His wound continued to bleed.

As soon as they were in the ER Zelda called out for help. An admitting cat called them over to the admitting counter. This cat was dark brown with beady little eyes sitting behind some sort of protective glass. The protective glass was needed since certainly mortally wounded cats, barely able to walk, would try to come across the counter to maim or kill the one cat that could save them.

As Zak leaned from his shopping buggy over the counter and blood dripped through the rags onto the writing area, the admitting nurse asked, "What seems to be the problem?"

Zak wheezed, "I just felt like a tour of the ER. Why would I have a problem?"
Blood continued to drip as the admitting cat said. "You know I don't have to put up with an attitude such as that. You can continue to bleed for all I care. Now what seems to be the problem?"

That is when Zelda stepped in, a rational cat under the circumstances. She said, "He cut his shoulder and needed to have it tended to."

"Oh, why did you not say so. We will get on it right away. Just a few questions first."

"Where was he when he cut his shoulder?"

Zelda answered. "The Beach"

The admitting cat said, "Wasn't that the Elton Cat concert? I am a big fan of his. I really wanted to go to that, but had to work. Can you believe it? It has been years since I could see him. I heard he was gay. What shame. He was so cute before I knew that. He still cute. Quite a waste, don't you think?"

As the admitting cat went on and on, Zelda finally said, "Can we get back to the shoulder?

Another drop of blood landed on the counter. Almost as a side statement the admitting cat said, "Someone will really have to clean that up. Ok, the shoulder. What did he cut the shoulder on?"

"A Snapple bottle." said Zelda.

"Was it full or empty? asked the admitting cat.

"Empty!" Zelda growled.

"Now, the admitting cat said, "Don't get your fur in a ruffle. We have to know that. Some Snapple drinks can cause infection. Those can be very severe."

Just then, Zak fell back into his cart, having passed out from blood loss. The nurse in the triage station had just come out and seeing this called a CODE KITTY. Five burly gurney cats came out lifted Zak onto a gurney and wheeled him back into the working area in the ER. Zelda, had to hurry to keep up. As Zelda chased after Zak she heard the admitting nurse yelling after her, "We did not talk about his insurance."

Back in the ER the gurney cats parked Zaks gurney just outside of ER room 15. They explained that all the rooms were filled but this one, and that this one still had to be prepped. In the meantine a nurse cat, Miss Needles came over to assist. She quickly got an IV in to start replacing fluids and staunched the wound with a set of clean surgical rags and gauze. She said, "We will get him in a room as fast as we can. In the meantime, these steps should help, until a doctor can get here and tend to the wound."

With time and the extra fluid Zak started to revive. He was able to push up a little. His shoulder was starting to throb as the intial shock wore off. As they sat out in the hall on the gurney they could see the nurses at the nurses station. The nurses looked very engrossed in something as they all sat or stood around one monitor. Then Zak and Zelda heard that fateful sound, " Yippe, I've gotten to level three!." In the meantime his shoulder was hurting more and more. Zelda yelled, "I need some help over here!"

Just then the a couple of gurney cats came out of room 15 with a gurney piled high with red stained sheets, medical equipment, empty IVs and as the gurney rounded the corner Zelda thought she saw a beige bit of cat tail. One of the gurney cats called out to the nurses station that room 15 was ready. With the help of a couple of other gurney cats, (it seemed like gurney cats were everywhere) Zak was wheeled into room 15. His IV was hung on the wall hook. In just a few minutes nurse Needles came in, took his pulse and hooked him up to the ECG, the electrocat cardiogram machine. "Now, this won't hurt a bit." she said as she put the adhesive and contact on Zaks fur. She then taped the contact to the fur as well. Almost immediately they could here the beeping of the heart on the overhead monitor and see the lines of Zaks heart beat going by. As the nurse left. she said that the doctor would be in soon to tend to Zak's wound.

What about something for pain?, Zelda asked. Nurse Needles said she would be right back. Zak and Zelda sure knew that was true. As time passed while Zak and Zelda waited for the return of the nurse or the doctor Zak's discomfort grew. Zelda looked around the room for something to distract Zak from his discomfort. There was a computer and monitor mounted on the wall. Zelda gingerly touched the mouse with her paw and the monitor came to life. "Look Zak!" she said, "It's a list of the patients in the ER. It has their symptoms as well."

"Oh my goodness." she said, "Graybeard is in the room 38. He has viagrititis. The recommended treatment is to make him comfortable, give him an ice bath every 4 hours, then wait up to 36 hours for the condition to improve. I never knew he had it in him."

"And Zak,", said Zelda, "Mrs. Breeder cat is here having her 4th litter in two years. She barely has enough room for all those baby cats now. If she and her hubby cat would stop with the catnip, maybe this would not keep happening."

"We know one of the other cats that are here as well." she relayed, "Its LoanCat from down at the Check And Go place. Apparently, from the notes, one of his customers had come in to pay him back with a bag of 10,000 pennies. When he refused to take them, the customer hit him over the head with the bag causing a blunt force trauma. Apparently, LoanCat is just pennies away from heaven at this point. Get it, pennies away."

Zak smiled weaky, but he was starting to fade again. Just then the Doctor, Cat Sewhimup came in, and said, "We need to look at this wound." It did not take long for the doctor to remove the dressing, irrigate the wound, inject some local anethestic, and to sticth Zak up where he had been bleeding internally and to stitch up his outer wound. The doctor said, "I am going to give you a prescription for some antibiotics and for a pain killer. You are going to need both. We only see Snapple Green Tea infections a couple of times a year, but they are always bad.

Often it is difficult to stop the diarreha. Even worse, the victims often think they are saving the world from aliens. I would not be so bad but they want everyone to reward them for their effort and for everyone else to drink the green tea. Frankly, the world does not have that much plumbing available."

Zelda then asked, "Doctor, can we get the prescription in generic?"
Dr. Sewhimup responded by asking, "What type of insurance do you have?"
"Why does that matter?" said Zelda.

"Because, if you have to pay out of pocket for the medication, then the generic is best. However, if you have insurance the brand name includes free medical education and a trip to Aruba." said the doctor.

"You mean we get a trip to Aruba?" asked Zelda.

"No" said the doctor, "I get the trip so I will be a better doctor, and so my wife can get a tan. Believe it or not, that makes me a better doctor as well."
Zelda sighed, "We do have insurance."

"That almost does it." said the doctor with a satisfied purr, "When the nurses finish playing 'Cat Doom Operating Room 3' I'll have them get these ECG leads off you and see that you are discharged. You may want to take some pain killer first, those ECG leads really stick to the fur."

Top Stories

Success

2008-09-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

Angus, Zak's owner alway did what was needed at work, but once home, he was home. Home was for putting your feet up and watching the boats on the bay sail by. Of course, that is why Zak and he seemed to be such a great fit. Zak figured that the aim of all life forms should be the achievement of great stillness. Now that might be thought of as an element of Eastern philosophy where stillness is achieved through years of meditation, hard work, sacrifice and self denial. Neither Zak nor Angus believed in that type of stilless. Their's was more of a lazy boy chair type of stillness. It required a simple choice, not to move more muscles that were necessary for a day's activity. If the activity required the use of energy, then it was to be evaluated as to whether is was necessary or whether it should be cancelled.

When Angus's son, Bill had come to visit, it was clear that he had a different perspective on life. To him success meant having things and working all the time to have more things. He brought with him the Ipod Nano, the IPhone, his designer clothes, and a list of questions about the visit, such as where he was going to be taken, what restaurants would he be fed at, and what DVDs did Angus own. I don't think that Angus much liked the questions. When Angus told him that we would be eating in the house and that if he wanted DVDs he could go down the street and rent them, his face scrunched up like a desert prune.

At sixteen years, Bill was the product of his mother's training. Prior to the divorce when the family income was $80,000 she had made it clear that living in poverty was not in her plan, working was not in her plan, and not having the things she wanted was not in her plan. Hence the divorce and a vow by her to squeeze every possible dime from Angus she could..... Zak had seen her at work. She was sad hateful individual who disliked cats.

Zak thought she disliked cats because cats cost money and that money could be going to her. Zak prayed she would get scratched and bitten by a rabid cat, get rabies and flesh eating bacteria at the same time, then die in spite of having the stomach shots, crazy and skinless. Then Zak wondered if it was a evil thought. Maybe they could give her an amputation and save her life.

In the meanwhile, Bill was here for a week. When Bill saw the dishes in the sink he explained that they had a person who did that for them. Once the woman brought her three year old child to work with her. Bill said his Mom went ballistic and fired the woman. "Not having child care is not an excuse." Bill's mom had explained. Bill said, "You see, we get stuff done."

Zak felt sorry for Angus. He had a hard time even believing Bill was his child. Angus had arranged to take Bill on a party boat drop fishing for Snapper. From the moment Bill had gotten up he had complained that it was not a charter boat, that his Mom would never go on a party boat. That night, Bill and Angus returned with 20 snapper and made made a feast of it, although Bill refused to clean a one. Angus cleaned them all and even put some of the filet in Zak's bowl.

That evening, once Bill was packed for the return trip to his mom, Zak decided to give Bill a gift, a present to remember his visit to his dad. It took some effort to get one of the fish heads out of the garbage. Then carrying the fish head in his mouth he slipped into Bill's room and dug to the bottom of the travel duffle. There he laid the fish head and covered it back up with Bill's clothes.

The next morning Angus drove Bill to the airport and checked the duffle back to Macon. Zak wondered if carrying rotting fish was like carrying Anthrax or some other terrorist element. Oh well, it was time to watch the boats he thought.

The Lawn Mower of Doom, A Fat Cat Tale

2008-09-06T20:54:00.000-07:00

The Murdock house was on a secluded lot on the bay side of Pensacola Beach. Its occupants enjoyed peace and serenity afforded by the view.

The two occupants had much in common. Both were oversized according to the official weight and height charts, both tended to move only when they had too, and both preferred the couch to calisthenics. Unfortunately, Angus Murdock, the owner of the house did have to go to work most days, and only occasionly did he take care of the front lawn. He was thankful that the bayside was just a landing and a pier, no grass to cut.

Zakariah Persia Murdock Cat, Zak, hated being alone. He was helpless in the face of a full bowl of cat chow and Angus always left him with a full bowl when leaving for work. Zak fully subscribed to the food is therapy concept. So whenever Angus left, Zak ate to sooth his lonely heart.

It was a late spring Saturday when Angus noticed the the front grass had not been cut for weeks. He had noticed before, but he had chosen to believe that is did not really need cutting as yet. This Saturday, as he observed the grass from his air conditioned living room he felt his illusion shatter. The foot high thatch could not be denied. "Common, Zak." he said, "Let's get this grass cut, some fresh air will do you some good."

Zak thought, "A little sun in the cool grass might just be what I need to improve my resting skills." In his mind he could already feel the warm sun lulling him to sleep.

With a monumental effort he lumbered after Angus out the front door. As Angus went to the side of the house to get the riding lawn mower, Zak wandered into the front yard through the tall grass until he found a soft dimpled area where he could curl up and return to his previously scheduled activity.

The riding lawn mower was a J.Deere 6900. A major bit of overkill for a yard that had only slightly more grass than most doctor's offices. For Angus, the J.Deere 6900 had two main benefits. First, it was a riding lawn mower. That was a big selling point. Secondly, it was advertised as the quietest lawn mover ever made. In a neighborhood that prides itself on serenity, that was a good thing. It did not, however, prove to be the best thing for Zak.

Had the lawn mower been louder, or had Zak's depression in the lawn been deeper, then the tragedy of that morning might never have happened. Angus was extremely short sighted without his thick prescription glasses. He had taken off to mow the lawn. He did not believe there was any benefit to having them on since the lawn was so small and the idea of getting sweat in his eyes just did not appeal to him. In fact the idea of sweating did not appeal to him.

As the J.Deere 6900 easily cut through the tall grass, row by neat row, the cut grass was efficiently sucked up into the grass catcher bag on the back. Quietly and effortlessly it cruised back and forth across the lawn, cutting and sucking. Zak did not hear it until he felt the suction and whirr of the blades over his head. Instantly, Zak ducked his head down and tried to flatten his plumpness below the J.Deere 6900 blades of death. He could feel their cutting action searing the top layers of the skin on his back.

It was as if Zak was the first cat ever to have a high speed derma-peel. As the J. Deere 6900 silently moved past him he let out a cat scream that pierced the serenity of the Pensacola Bay.

Angus heard the sound and stopped the lawn mower. He looked behind him to see the red scraped skin on Zak's back. Quickly he got off the lawn mower, (note that is a relative term) scooped up Zak, got a towel from the house to wrap Zak in, and then took Zak to the vet.

During this whole process, Zak was praying. He said, "Lord, and I don't know about this as I am a cat, but please let me live. I promise to excercise 5 time more than I have ever exercised in my life. (Five times zero is ....) I have heard Angus. He believes in Jesus. If I believe in Jesus, will I live? What do cat's need to do to have eternal life lord?" For a cat in a lot of pain who had just been through the most traumatic moment since getting stuck in the pet door, these were deep thoughts.

Fortunately, on the way to the vet's, Angus had been praying as well. When the vet saw Zak, he was able to bandage up his back and gave instructions to Angus as to how to change the dressing and how to care for Zak for the next several days.

Weeks later as Zak healed, it became clear that Zak would not have any hair grow where the J.Deere 6900 had done its dirty work. It had worked better than a flobee running on a shop-vac. Angus was thankful that the Lord had spared Zak from Angus's nearsighted folly. The J. Deere people put a cat catcher on the front of their J Deere 6900 line of mowers so the no future cats would be not be harmed and started marketing the mower as cat safe. The vet posted pictures of the cat whose life he saved.

Giving praise to the Lord where praise is due, Angus and Zak returned to their serene life on the bay. Angus had to take a month off from work to tend to Zak's wounds, recover from the trauma and to get counceling from some lady in a bikini.
Zak vowed never to sleep again on the lawn.

Copyright - Keith Risman - Oct. 2006