Cat Hospice

There was a knock at the door of Zak and Zelda’s house. Zelda went over to the door and yelled, “Who is it?”

“It’s HT.” Came back the whispered reply.

Zelda’s first thought was to leave the door locked and to yell go away. On the one hand Zelda knew it would be wrong to turn HT away. She was one of 287 first cousins. On the other, HT was essentially Hurricane Katrina in a fur coat. Following her could only lead to a disaster that would never be cleaned up. Still, thought Zelda, it’s not all bad. She opened the door.

“Quick”, whispered Zelda. “I hope no one saw you.”

“I don’t think I was followed.” HT whispered back.

“Zak!!!” called Zelda. “HT is here! Your beauty rest can wait. It’s not working anyhow, so get up and be a host.”

Zak got off the couch and lumbered over to HT. “Glad you are here. I hope it is a short visit. Last time the Feds came literally 5 minutes after you left. We love you HT, but if they find us helping you they will send us all to Federal Obedience School for retraining. Frankly, I am too old to retrain.”

“No.” said HT, “I will just stay the night and slip out before dawn.“

“OK”, said Zak. “Zelda, get out the peanut butter, sardines, and honey. We should hear about what all cousin HT has been doing. How’s the toe HT?”

“It’s doing well. I don’t think they will ever take the hook out however. I would have to turn myself in and that is not going to happen.“

Zak remembered what had happened. ObamaCare’s new plan had just been in place for a year when Zotty Znead (that had been what she was called before the surgery) had developed a hammer claw. She had waited for a year before they would operate. The procedure to fix the toe meant installing a metal fixture into the toe for a few months, then once the bones were set, to remove the metal piece. In this case the piece was a metal hook that extended about in inch past her toe where her middle claw would ordinarily be.

Zotty had to wait months for a slot to have the hook removed. While waiting she passed her 65th cat year. When the time came, the hospital said they could not remove the hook as she was no longer eligible for 'extraordinary measures'. The hospital told her that she could have whatever pain medicine she would like to make her toe more comfortable.

At this point Zotty was furious. It was the wait for care that was their fault in the first place and since they had started the procedure, she sure needed to finish it. No matter how much she explained all this, there was no arguing with the health care tsars and their rules.

At her last appointment, she took a swipe at the doctor that was explaining how her life was not worth the cost of another operation. She caught the doctor across the cheek with the hook on her middle paw. It left a nasty gash and an unmistakable scar.

As Zotty left, or ran from that appointment she vowed to herself to fix the health care system by righting some of the wrongs it was causing. From here on out she would be called Hook Toe Znead. Medical personnel would fear her.

After they had eaten several of the fish and enjoyed some chit – chat, Zelda said,”HT, tell us of your most recent run in. We hear it on the news, how you are so terrible, but almost everyone knows the truth.“

“Well.”, began HT, “There is a clinic in Milton, not far from here, called American Cat Care. It really is a string of Doc in a Boxes. They have really taken the rules for treating elderly cats seriously. They will only give them one antibiotic and if that does not work, they send them to Cat Hospice to die. Almost all of these cats have a lot of good years left. Since the government pays for “end of life counseling” they get $2,000 for each one that checks into Cat Hospice.“

“That is terrible!” exclaimed Zak.

“I broke into the clinic about 9:00 PM. One doctor was still there. As soon as he saw me and my toe he peed in his fur. I told him to open the drug cabinet. Then I swiped his cheek and knocked him on the head. It wouldn’t have done for him to raise an alarm or anything. I grabbed up all the antibiotics. You might have heard about the drug crazed person that robbed the clinic. That was me getting a fix of antibiotics. I am hooked so to speak” HT grinned.

Zelda asked, “Then what.”

“Next I went down to the Cat Hospice. I snuck in and just hobbled around. Being old myself no one there thought to check. They just really are waiting until the beds free up to collect the next fee. Scary, huh? Quietly I distributed all the antibiotics to the cats that were listed as “infection”. I told them to keep quiet or the orderlies would take away their medicines. Over the next couple of days 15 elderly cats walked out of there. It was a miracle they said. Some of the cats said they had visions of an angel cat with a gleaming foot.”

HT held up her paw for effect.

Zak and Zelda had been almost mesmerized by the story when the loud banging on the door startled them all.

“Open up. It’s Acorn - Federal Security Service, we have a warrant to search the house.”

“Quick, over here.” Zelda pointed to the fire place mantle. HT ran over there.
Zelda lifted up one of the fire pokers and a hole opened up underneath the fireplace.

“Slide down there. It goes to the back side of the bay across the retaining wall. You’ll be past the Feds and able to slip away safely. We love you. Now go!"

With amazing agility Hook Toe Znead was gone.

“We are going to break down the door.” Said one of the Feds.

I am coming yelled Zak.

As Zak opened the door the Feds burst through. One looked at Zak and demanded, “Where is she?”

“Who?” said Zak.

“You know who.” Said the Fed. “Hook Toe”

“I have no idea.” Said Zak. “Perhaps you all would like some sardines and peanut butter. It is real good.”

The Feds searched the house, but of course found nothing. Zak and Zelda returned to their lounging. They rejoiced that they had gotten to see their cousin and in her continued safety. If anything was going to change in this brave new world it would take 1000s of small acts to preserve the lives so many did not value.

Lazy Saturday House Fire

Since he began teaching science at the middle school, Zak regarded Saturday as a well deserved break from yelling, screaming and out of control kids. It was a well earned pre-Sabbath rest period. A Saturday in the summer was just an extension of that philosophy. He had planned to wake up late, have breakfast, feed Zorro the chipmunk, and then to lay down on the couch. After lunch he would let Zorro hang out in the back yard while he took a nap. Sometime later, he planned to eat dinner and watch Burning Inferno II with Zelda. Somehow, the day did not shape up that way.

First, Zak was woken up by the sound of Zelda talking to customer support. They had each gotten new phones the day before and the billing was already screwed up. He appreciated her thoroughness in making sure that the phone people fixed the error. If it had only taken 10 minutes that would not have been so bad, but it took 2 hours. Who would have guessed that to fix the error the phone company would actually have to talk to the specific salesperson that sold them the phones. Once that was done, she had to call customer service back to learn how to put songs on the phone. (Essential knowledge in today's environment.) Whoever she got that time did not understand English. They could speak perfect Hindi. Zelda could only do that after a bit of catnip.

In the meantime, Jara, Zelda's cousin had come by. She wanted to do a scrap book project, she said. Actually, Zak suspected she just wanted a quite place to text all her friends. That is what happens with teenage cats, 24/7 texting paws. (What Ev, thought Zak)

That afternoon Zelda left to go to the supermarket to pick up the blue gill, parsley and egg plant they needed for dinner. Zak had even promised to cook the egg plant. While Zelda was out, the doorbell rang. Of course, the doorbell never rings at a convenient time. Zak was in the restroom. Before he could answer it, it rang again, and again. He had called out to Jara several times, but she seemed not to hear. Finally, he managed to reach the front door. It was Lady ZayRay and her daughter Rayette.

"Where's Zelda?", said ZayRay.

"Supermarket." said Zak, "Can I help you?"

"Yes", said ZayRay. "We have a church project, Zelda said that we could use the computer and the Internet for it. Is that OK with you."

"Come on in and help yourself." Zak. "I need to let Zorro out to do his stuff in the back."

Zak let Zorro out and returned to his place on the couch.

ZayRay sat down and started working on the computer. Rayette went with her. Just then Zelda came home with a stack of groceries. As the groceries were being put up, the computer started blaring some sort of sermon. Zelda said quietly to Zak, "Don't say anything, its OK. They need this for church."

"OK" said Zak. "Can you at least have her turn it down?

"Sure." said Zelda, "I assume you want me to fix dinner soon? "

"That would be nice. I can't wait to have some blue gill. There is nothing better than fried blue gill and egg plant. " Zak opined.

"Ok said Zelda, "I'll heat up some oil."

Then Zak remembered," I need to check on Zorro. Uhh .. Ohhh! He has gotten out! At this point things started happening.

Zak walked out the front door, calling, "Zorro! Zorro!" Zak walked accross the street and asked the neighbors if they had seen Zorro. Usually, when he got out Zorro liked to harass the neighbors, but today they had not seen him. Zak walked on up the street.

In the meantime ZayRay had finished listening to her 110 decibel sermon. She, Zelda and Rayette had walked out the front of the house. They were deep into discussion or gossip depending on your point of view. Jara had joined the chorus calling for Zorro to come home. She too was out of the house.

In order for there to be a complete accounting let's recap the situation. In Zak's house there was a pot on the stove with cooking oil. The stove was on and the cooking oil was getting hotter. All of the occupants and guests of the house were either outside looking for Zorro or in the front yard discussing who done what where. The oil was getting hotter.

As Zak was walking back to the house, he sees Rayette, who says to him, "Your house is on fire."

Zak looks at the house and can see smoke coming from the front door. Zak breaks into a sprint toward the house. (For Zak that means he was lumbering at a fast walk toward the front door.)

Once in the front door he could see the fire across the living room in the kitchen sink. Zelda had already moved the burning pot from the eye of the stove to the sink. As Zak rushed in, Zelda said, "Zayray said to put salt on it."

Zelda handed him the big container of Morton's salt. Zak, still in shock from the whole house burning welcome home thing, took the salt and started shaking it into the burning oil fire. It did not work. The longer it did not work the harder he should the salt jar. Salt was now all over the kitchen and the fire still raged. He was out of salt. Perhaps generic salt would have done better.

"Get me a towel." He yelled. While waiting for the towel, using a spoon, he moved the red hot faucet over to the side of the sink where there was no burning pot of oil. Zak knew that mixing burning oil and water was not a good idea. So while about 5 inches from the burning oil with flames leaping two feet up in air he ran water onto a dish rag. (Step one in stupid things to do during a fire.) Then he took the wet dish rag and threw it over the burning oil. (Step two in stupid things to do during a fire.) The burning oil and the water met with a huge whoosh, and the two foot flames became 5 foot flames. They shot into the valance hanging over the sink and licked the wooden overhang threatening to catch the rest of the house on fire.

The valance burst into flame. Zak, knew at this point that things were bad. He knew he had to put out the fire on the valance first so he grabbed the first thing he could, a roll of paper towels and started beating the burning curtain and curtain rod with the paper towel roll. Flakes of burning curtain were going every where and then the curtain rod itself came down from its moorings. The end of the paper towel roll was smoldering now, but it did not burst into flames.

All this time the flames continued to heat the overhanging wood and threaten to catch it on fire. Zelda returned with a large towel and handed Zak the towel through the thick haze of smoke.

Zelda then went outside with Zayray and Rayette. Zayray said," Should we call the fire department?"

Zelda said, "No". then "Yes", then "No", then seeing the smoke pouring out the front of the house said,"Yes". They called the fire department.

Zak ran a little water over it, then stuffed it over the burning fire. This time it worked and the fire mostly doused except for flakes of curtain and paper towel that were still burning on the floor and the sink.

Now Zak turned on the cold water and drenched everything he could. The smoke, which he had not noticed before dousing the fire was everywhere. It smelled of burning everything and plastic. Salt was all over the kitchen floor, the sink, the stove, and probably covered the state of Alabama. A wet oil soaked towel was in sink and black oily soot covered much of the kitchen. The florescent light mounted above where the valance had been was pitch black with soot and no longer worked. The yellow paint over the sink was now black and yellow. Much of the backspash by the stove was black and oily.

That is when the fire department showed up. After a brief inspection of the house, they got out an industrial fan to help blow out the smoke that filled the house. Zorro show up and was running around and around the firemen that were outside. Jara ran after Zorro while the firemen snickered as Zorro would not come to her.

Finally once the smoke was pretty much cleared and the firemen had inspected everything, they went home. Zorro came to Zak and then was put back in the house. Zak looked at Zelda, and said, "We really had a hot date tonight! It was smokin'!. "

At that moment, Zelda did not think it was that funny.

Thinking later that day, Zak could only thank God that the house had not burned up. There was no reason that Zak could figure that the wood over sink which was in intense fire for minutes did not catch fire. Zak could also not believe that the roll of paper towels that helped put out the valance fire had not turned into a torch. All in all, God was there and protected the house and its people. Isn't God awesome?

Alien Abduction Part I

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon. It was one of those Saturday's where the sun was shining, the air was warm with a cool breeze and the grass beckoned to be cut. Of course, at this point in his life, Zak had no interest in being anywhere where a lawn mower might be operational. So, Zak did what he was best at this Saturday. He curled up on the couch and watched the sail boats and motor boats moving up and down the bay. Zelda lay on a chair nearby and did the same. Neither cat expected for their almost perfect afternoon to be interrupted.

Then came the knock at the door.

Zelda said, "Let's ignore that."

Yet there it was again. Then came the voice. "Common Zak you fluff ball, I know you are in there. Open up."

Zak exclaimed. "I know that voice. It's Kate. It's Boom Boom Kate! Zelda, get the door."

They had not seen Kate for over a year. She had gone missing just after the unfortunate accident that had killed the aquarium's prize sea lion, RB. Everyone knew it wasn't her fault, but Zak and Zelda figured she had run away anyhow.

Zelda opened the door and there in front of her was Kate. A golden haired Selkirk Rex, her hair had been thick, long and curly, but was now tinted gray in a multitude of places. Kate looked as if she had been through some sort of ordeal. Her eyes darted left and right as if she was afraid something or someone was out to get her.

Zelda said, "Come on in Kate. Grab some chair or couch and tell us where you have been. We have really missed you. "

"We have." said Zak. "You couldn't have know that fish caught with rat bait would hurt the sea lion. The box said bait, so obviously it was for catching fish. You did not have to run away."

Kate came on in and hopped up with a groan onto one of the upholstered chairs in the living room. She could see the boats going by in the distance. "I did not run away." She began. "I was kidnapped."

"What." said Zelda.

"You heard correctly. I was pretty upset when I left the aquarium. Even though I had figured out what happened, RB the sea lion was gone. At one point I had liked RB. It was his greed that really killed him. He thought that fish was mine and had stolen it. Actually he accidentally saved my life. If he had not stolen the fish, I would have eaten it. I figured if rat bait caught rats it should catch fish as well. It caught several. The fish did seem to die rather quickly however."

"So you did not run away?" asked Zak.

"No." said Kate. "I was walking on the beach trying to come to grips with the fact that RB was dead. First I heard a whooshing noise like the air around me being sucked away. Then the ground around me was sucked up into the air and me with it. It was as if a giant vacuum had pulled the sand and me up into the air. Next came the thud. I bounced off of some sort of screen and landed back on this bare metal floor. "

Zelda was incredulous. "You can't be serious." She said.

"How do you think I got all this gray?" Kate explained. "Where do you think I have been all of this past year? From the spot on the floor I could see my captors. There were two of them there. Both looked the same to me at that point. They were bulbous, about three feet tall with four stocky legs that held up something like a slug body. Every part of them was covered with a goo. They had some sort of arm that came out of where the chest would be and it branched into two tentacle, hand sort of things. "

One of them, Jeff is what I called him, said. "If you obey us, you may be returned to earth. If you defy us we will feed you to the sea lions." Then Jeff smiled as if that were some sort of joke. It was creepy.

I thought, how could he know about RB. No way. Either way, I thought I best play along for now.

Then the other one, I called him Bill, said, "We are one a scientific expedition. Our race, in your language is called Slurpie. We are Slurpies. "

No kidding. said Kate. "That is what they called themselves."

Bill continued. "You are hear as a specimen and as a representative of your race to help us confirm or disprove our theories. Your life depends on your cooperation and the amount of assistance you provide us. "

At this point, all I could think of was the movie "Kill Bill." Not the most appropriate thought at the moment.

To be continued.....

Field Trip Part III - Organosaurus

The thunderous roll of the music began and the fog (dry ice mist) parted to reveal a real live Indiana Jones look alike who claimed to be a paleontologist. He began his story by saying that 200 million years ago, give or take, the dinosaurs were here. To make his point, out came a a couple of baby dinosaurs (future plant eaters) from eggs, a momma dinosaur plant eater to protect the baby, and a meat eating dinosaur to eat one of the babies. It was all very dramatic. It was like he was saying, "Behold, suddenly the dinosaurs appeared. Then they ate the grass that suddenly appeared and ate each other."

The meat eater was an Allosaurus. Since they had to feed it real meat and since its bio engine really was not that well developed it put out a bit of gas. Up in the stands the cats noticed a smell. It was more familiar than they would have expected. It was OK. All that methane would just float up to the top of the arena and dissipate.

Leberre had gone up to the rails down at arena level. She looked on as the show progressed. Whenever the dinosaurs would get close she would take off her glasses since they were only good for distance seeing. No one notices the small pool of digestive juices at her feet that seeped from the belly wound left over from her intestinal surgery.

The scene with the mother and daughter brontosaurus was amazing. The mother towered 50 feet into the air as it glided by on hidden rollers and under its own bio power. Of course the bigger the robot or dinosaur the more bio gas it emitted. The people in the upper levels were starting to feel faint by this time as the methane that was accumulating. It had no where to go. An ambulance had taken one patron who was particularly sensitive to the gas. Of course, the line at the hospital for free government care was so long that the patron would most likely die before getting treated. It was such a shame. At least everyone had health care. Unfortunately, it did not cover burial or cremation. (Those being the highest cost elements in the new government run health care.)

Sorry, back to the story. Almost to the end of the show. The tyrannosaurus rex was chasing the brontosaurus baby around, both spewing out gas. As they got close to the ringside with Leberre, she pulled back and dropped her glasses over the edge of the ring. She waited until the T-rex appeared to pull away toward the other end of the ring and crept into the ring from a gap in one of the side panels.

She shuffled to where her glasses were while leaving a small trail of bile behind her. Once she picked them up and put them on, she looked up and almost upon her was the T-rex. He looked fuzzy with the glasses on. He was so close, and Leberre knew in an instant that this dinosaur was not after baby brontosaurus, but after an old half blind cat. She turned and ran and fast as she could just as the T-rex chomped down, clipping the tip of her tail. As she reached the break in the arena siding she thought the T-rex was going to get another bite, and this time it would finish her. Just then, the T-rex slipped on the trail Leberre had left behind. The T-rex slammed into the hard arena floor.

Leberre escaped back into the stands. The audience was clapping as if this was part of the show.

Zak looked down at the T-rex, smelled the methane laden air. Cats he said, "The show just ended, let get out of here. Fast!!!!"

Several of the students looked aghast, "The show has not ended." They said.

Zak said, "Move it! You'll see why in a few minutes."

Down on the arena floor the fallen T-rex thrashed about, its bio engine still trying to run with the huge robotic structure resting on its front chest. Part of the chest was crushed. Smoke, and methane were billowing out from the beast.

As the cats exited the coliseum, the air at the top had reached saturation with methane and just then, in an upper restroom, a bathroom attendant tried to sneak a cigarette. Like a huge fireball the top of the structure caught into flames. The crowds were able to mostly get out, although the dinosaurs all caught flame and were burned. Once again they returned to extinction.

Zak explained to the cats as they rode home, how all that methane, that natural organic gas had collected and how easy it had been for it to catch fire. Leberre had her tail wrapped in gauze and had been lucky not to become part of the green earth that day.

"Remember", Zak said, As the cat's were getting off the bus back at the school, "The next field trip in April. We will be celebrating earth day."

Field Trip Part II

As they got off the bus, all the cats were sooooo excited to be going to see the "Walking with Dinosaurs" show. Of course they knew that these were not real dinosaurs, but ones made with the newest green technology. Chase, a rough looking brawny cat who had gotten his name because he liked to chase cute tabbies around, thought he was being smart when he asked,"Can we pet them, professor Zak. "


Zak answered, "I don't think you want to pet them. Since they are built to be green they are not like the old robotic stuff with gas and electric engines, they feed these robots real meat. I wouldn't get too close to them. "

Chase's eyes got real wide at that point. So the group walked in the auditorium. They had gotten a some of the best seats in the house, the best that stimulus money could buy. They were on the lower level only 15 feet above the coliseum floor. The floor oozed fog and they could feel the cool mist as if this were a real jungle.

After getting all the young cats situated. Everyone had been to the bathroom Samantha and Lissa had a big thing about who was going to sit by Chase. Zak made them sit on the far side away from everyone. (Sometimes cats could be so irritating.)

"Everyone listen up!" yelled Zak. " This is still a school deal and so I have to give you the history. You will be tested on it later."

"The dinosaurs you are about to see are made out of computerized mechanical structures. They are special since the government made them replace their gas engines with bio engines. Like I said earlier, they feed these dinosaurs organic waste."

"Like Poop." said Jerr. Everyone laughed.

Zak continued. "Well actually poop has already had the energy taken out. They feed them left over food, old meat anything organic that has not been digested. As a result, these natural eating engines produce poop and some gases like methane. You might call them dinosaur farts."

"Doesn't that add to global warming?" said Samantha.

"Good question." Zak smiled. "It does add to global warming and takes a lot more effort to keep these bio engines running than it does gas or electric. However, the government passed a law that made them put in these "green engines". They call them green engines because they are organic. Really, they just seem to do what cows do already. Produce gas. However, inside a dinosaur they are pretty impressive."

Just then the music started to crank up and the lights dimmed, the show was about to start.

First Field Trip - Part One

Zak wanted to really impress his class of young Facebook and texting addicted young cats. He knew it would require something astounding to wake them out of their teen cat, boy-girl obsessed stupor. He had a great idea. The animatronic monster dinosaur show was in town. He could take them on a field trip and discuss nature, evolution, intelligent design and high tech robotics all in an afternoon.

He had called the show's director and specifically asked if the cats could see a demonstration. Leberre packed lunches for each of the students to have on the bus. They were all given chicken nuggets with squirrel chips and a flavored vitamin drink. (no caffiene, no sugar) After the bus ride with 8 rowdy cats Zak and Leberre were happy to disembark at the Civic Center where the show was to be held.

As soon as the cats got off the bus, Zak said, "All students line up here. There are a few rules to discuss." Not a cat heard him. Then he yelled, "LINE UP NOW!!!!!" And they did.

"Here are the rules. Each student is to buddy up with one other cat. You and your buddy are not to be separated while we are here. You are to stay within eye sight of Leberre or myself at all times. Any cat that is out of line will be sent back to the bus to wait until the rest finish the tour. "

"Does everyone understand?

Most of the cats just nodded their heads. Lucky, the cat that looked like it had not had a trim or bath in a month asked. "Why does that guy over there look like he is bleeding?"

Zak glanced at the guy. "I guess he is part of the show. None of these are real so that can't be real either."

So said Zak, "Who made dinosaurs?"

Constance Cat piped up, "God, of course."

"Does everyone believe that? asked Zak.

"No." said Bonutz. "They evolved."

"From what?" Zak asked.

"Cats." said Bonutz. Everyone laughed at that.

The god of field trip etiquette would now be happy since both of the main topics for the field trip had been covered. Everyone could now enjoy the field trip without that academic pressure hanging over their head.

Leberre yelled, "Line up, single file." They were amazed that such a raspy loud and compelling voice could come from that scrawny old cat. "Follow!" she added.

As she lead the line of students, every now and again a green slime drop fell to the walkway. The students just walked on over it or stepped on it, not really noticing the trail that was being created.

The New Science Teacher

Zak was so happy. He accepted a position as the new science teacher for the Pensacola School for Special Needs Cats. Thanks to the stimulus package the city of Pensacola was able to fund a position for Zak and one for an assistant. His assistant was an old retired cat that had lost her fortune in the market. Her name was Leberre. Hers was a sad story. First the markets crashed as the U.S. became a communist country, then she found out that she had invested with the now famous Bernie Madcat. She was now forced to return to work as a science assistant and research subject.

Now before you get the wrong idea. The school Zak was teaching in was for cats with special needs. Mostly, they needed to be kept out of trouble since they had been tossed out of all the other schools in Pensacola. The were in many ways much like Zak had been and still was. Zelda would look at Zak and tell him, "There is something wrong with you."

Leberre was known for one additional feature. She had eaten a favorite combination of peanut butter, chewing gum, and caviar for her birthday last year. It had become stuck in her intestine and had to be surgically removed. All that was going pretty well when the money ran out. With no additional money for the doctors, they left her with a hole in her belly. Usually there was a yellow green slime trail that followed her around. The cats that saw her, generally pretended it was not there. Some of the student cats had other ideas. Of, course, I get ahead of myself.

Zak and his lab assistant prepared studiously for the first class. To Zak it was essential to impress upon the young feline minds how exciting science could be. He decided that he would demonstrate the history of flight and make it an interactive adventure. That is coming next.