Alien Abduction Part I

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon. It was one of those Saturday's where the sun was shining, the air was warm with a cool breeze and the grass beckoned to be cut. Of course, at this point in his life, Zak had no interest in being anywhere where a lawn mower might be operational. So, Zak did what he was best at this Saturday. He curled up on the couch and watched the sail boats and motor boats moving up and down the bay. Zelda lay on a chair nearby and did the same. Neither cat expected for their almost perfect afternoon to be interrupted.

Then came the knock at the door.

Zelda said, "Let's ignore that."

Yet there it was again. Then came the voice. "Common Zak you fluff ball, I know you are in there. Open up."

Zak exclaimed. "I know that voice. It's Kate. It's Boom Boom Kate! Zelda, get the door."

They had not seen Kate for over a year. She had gone missing just after the unfortunate accident that had killed the aquarium's prize sea lion, RB. Everyone knew it wasn't her fault, but Zak and Zelda figured she had run away anyhow.

Zelda opened the door and there in front of her was Kate. A golden haired Selkirk Rex, her hair had been thick, long and curly, but was now tinted gray in a multitude of places. Kate looked as if she had been through some sort of ordeal. Her eyes darted left and right as if she was afraid something or someone was out to get her.

Zelda said, "Come on in Kate. Grab some chair or couch and tell us where you have been. We have really missed you. "

"We have." said Zak. "You couldn't have know that fish caught with rat bait would hurt the sea lion. The box said bait, so obviously it was for catching fish. You did not have to run away."

Kate came on in and hopped up with a groan onto one of the upholstered chairs in the living room. She could see the boats going by in the distance. "I did not run away." She began. "I was kidnapped."

"What." said Zelda.

"You heard correctly. I was pretty upset when I left the aquarium. Even though I had figured out what happened, RB the sea lion was gone. At one point I had liked RB. It was his greed that really killed him. He thought that fish was mine and had stolen it. Actually he accidentally saved my life. If he had not stolen the fish, I would have eaten it. I figured if rat bait caught rats it should catch fish as well. It caught several. The fish did seem to die rather quickly however."

"So you did not run away?" asked Zak.

"No." said Kate. "I was walking on the beach trying to come to grips with the fact that RB was dead. First I heard a whooshing noise like the air around me being sucked away. Then the ground around me was sucked up into the air and me with it. It was as if a giant vacuum had pulled the sand and me up into the air. Next came the thud. I bounced off of some sort of screen and landed back on this bare metal floor. "

Zelda was incredulous. "You can't be serious." She said.

"How do you think I got all this gray?" Kate explained. "Where do you think I have been all of this past year? From the spot on the floor I could see my captors. There were two of them there. Both looked the same to me at that point. They were bulbous, about three feet tall with four stocky legs that held up something like a slug body. Every part of them was covered with a goo. They had some sort of arm that came out of where the chest would be and it branched into two tentacle, hand sort of things. "

One of them, Jeff is what I called him, said. "If you obey us, you may be returned to earth. If you defy us we will feed you to the sea lions." Then Jeff smiled as if that were some sort of joke. It was creepy.

I thought, how could he know about RB. No way. Either way, I thought I best play along for now.

Then the other one, I called him Bill, said, "We are one a scientific expedition. Our race, in your language is called Slurpie. We are Slurpies. "

No kidding. said Kate. "That is what they called themselves."

Bill continued. "You are hear as a specimen and as a representative of your race to help us confirm or disprove our theories. Your life depends on your cooperation and the amount of assistance you provide us. "

At this point, all I could think of was the movie "Kill Bill." Not the most appropriate thought at the moment.

To be continued.....

Field Trip Part III - Organosaurus

The thunderous roll of the music began and the fog (dry ice mist) parted to reveal a real live Indiana Jones look alike who claimed to be a paleontologist. He began his story by saying that 200 million years ago, give or take, the dinosaurs were here. To make his point, out came a a couple of baby dinosaurs (future plant eaters) from eggs, a momma dinosaur plant eater to protect the baby, and a meat eating dinosaur to eat one of the babies. It was all very dramatic. It was like he was saying, "Behold, suddenly the dinosaurs appeared. Then they ate the grass that suddenly appeared and ate each other."

The meat eater was an Allosaurus. Since they had to feed it real meat and since its bio engine really was not that well developed it put out a bit of gas. Up in the stands the cats noticed a smell. It was more familiar than they would have expected. It was OK. All that methane would just float up to the top of the arena and dissipate.

Leberre had gone up to the rails down at arena level. She looked on as the show progressed. Whenever the dinosaurs would get close she would take off her glasses since they were only good for distance seeing. No one notices the small pool of digestive juices at her feet that seeped from the belly wound left over from her intestinal surgery.

The scene with the mother and daughter brontosaurus was amazing. The mother towered 50 feet into the air as it glided by on hidden rollers and under its own bio power. Of course the bigger the robot or dinosaur the more bio gas it emitted. The people in the upper levels were starting to feel faint by this time as the methane that was accumulating. It had no where to go. An ambulance had taken one patron who was particularly sensitive to the gas. Of course, the line at the hospital for free government care was so long that the patron would most likely die before getting treated. It was such a shame. At least everyone had health care. Unfortunately, it did not cover burial or cremation. (Those being the highest cost elements in the new government run health care.)

Sorry, back to the story. Almost to the end of the show. The tyrannosaurus rex was chasing the brontosaurus baby around, both spewing out gas. As they got close to the ringside with Leberre, she pulled back and dropped her glasses over the edge of the ring. She waited until the T-rex appeared to pull away toward the other end of the ring and crept into the ring from a gap in one of the side panels.

She shuffled to where her glasses were while leaving a small trail of bile behind her. Once she picked them up and put them on, she looked up and almost upon her was the T-rex. He looked fuzzy with the glasses on. He was so close, and Leberre knew in an instant that this dinosaur was not after baby brontosaurus, but after an old half blind cat. She turned and ran and fast as she could just as the T-rex chomped down, clipping the tip of her tail. As she reached the break in the arena siding she thought the T-rex was going to get another bite, and this time it would finish her. Just then, the T-rex slipped on the trail Leberre had left behind. The T-rex slammed into the hard arena floor.

Leberre escaped back into the stands. The audience was clapping as if this was part of the show.

Zak looked down at the T-rex, smelled the methane laden air. Cats he said, "The show just ended, let get out of here. Fast!!!!"

Several of the students looked aghast, "The show has not ended." They said.

Zak said, "Move it! You'll see why in a few minutes."

Down on the arena floor the fallen T-rex thrashed about, its bio engine still trying to run with the huge robotic structure resting on its front chest. Part of the chest was crushed. Smoke, and methane were billowing out from the beast.

As the cats exited the coliseum, the air at the top had reached saturation with methane and just then, in an upper restroom, a bathroom attendant tried to sneak a cigarette. Like a huge fireball the top of the structure caught into flames. The crowds were able to mostly get out, although the dinosaurs all caught flame and were burned. Once again they returned to extinction.

Zak explained to the cats as they rode home, how all that methane, that natural organic gas had collected and how easy it had been for it to catch fire. Leberre had her tail wrapped in gauze and had been lucky not to become part of the green earth that day.

"Remember", Zak said, As the cat's were getting off the bus back at the school, "The next field trip in April. We will be celebrating earth day."

Field Trip Part II

As they got off the bus, all the cats were sooooo excited to be going to see the "Walking with Dinosaurs" show. Of course they knew that these were not real dinosaurs, but ones made with the newest green technology. Chase, a rough looking brawny cat who had gotten his name because he liked to chase cute tabbies around, thought he was being smart when he asked,"Can we pet them, professor Zak. "


Zak answered, "I don't think you want to pet them. Since they are built to be green they are not like the old robotic stuff with gas and electric engines, they feed these robots real meat. I wouldn't get too close to them. "

Chase's eyes got real wide at that point. So the group walked in the auditorium. They had gotten a some of the best seats in the house, the best that stimulus money could buy. They were on the lower level only 15 feet above the coliseum floor. The floor oozed fog and they could feel the cool mist as if this were a real jungle.

After getting all the young cats situated. Everyone had been to the bathroom Samantha and Lissa had a big thing about who was going to sit by Chase. Zak made them sit on the far side away from everyone. (Sometimes cats could be so irritating.)

"Everyone listen up!" yelled Zak. " This is still a school deal and so I have to give you the history. You will be tested on it later."

"The dinosaurs you are about to see are made out of computerized mechanical structures. They are special since the government made them replace their gas engines with bio engines. Like I said earlier, they feed these dinosaurs organic waste."

"Like Poop." said Jerr. Everyone laughed.

Zak continued. "Well actually poop has already had the energy taken out. They feed them left over food, old meat anything organic that has not been digested. As a result, these natural eating engines produce poop and some gases like methane. You might call them dinosaur farts."

"Doesn't that add to global warming?" said Samantha.

"Good question." Zak smiled. "It does add to global warming and takes a lot more effort to keep these bio engines running than it does gas or electric. However, the government passed a law that made them put in these "green engines". They call them green engines because they are organic. Really, they just seem to do what cows do already. Produce gas. However, inside a dinosaur they are pretty impressive."

Just then the music started to crank up and the lights dimmed, the show was about to start.

First Field Trip - Part One

Zak wanted to really impress his class of young Facebook and texting addicted young cats. He knew it would require something astounding to wake them out of their teen cat, boy-girl obsessed stupor. He had a great idea. The animatronic monster dinosaur show was in town. He could take them on a field trip and discuss nature, evolution, intelligent design and high tech robotics all in an afternoon.

He had called the show's director and specifically asked if the cats could see a demonstration. Leberre packed lunches for each of the students to have on the bus. They were all given chicken nuggets with squirrel chips and a flavored vitamin drink. (no caffiene, no sugar) After the bus ride with 8 rowdy cats Zak and Leberre were happy to disembark at the Civic Center where the show was to be held.

As soon as the cats got off the bus, Zak said, "All students line up here. There are a few rules to discuss." Not a cat heard him. Then he yelled, "LINE UP NOW!!!!!" And they did.

"Here are the rules. Each student is to buddy up with one other cat. You and your buddy are not to be separated while we are here. You are to stay within eye sight of Leberre or myself at all times. Any cat that is out of line will be sent back to the bus to wait until the rest finish the tour. "

"Does everyone understand?

Most of the cats just nodded their heads. Lucky, the cat that looked like it had not had a trim or bath in a month asked. "Why does that guy over there look like he is bleeding?"

Zak glanced at the guy. "I guess he is part of the show. None of these are real so that can't be real either."

So said Zak, "Who made dinosaurs?"

Constance Cat piped up, "God, of course."

"Does everyone believe that? asked Zak.

"No." said Bonutz. "They evolved."

"From what?" Zak asked.

"Cats." said Bonutz. Everyone laughed at that.

The god of field trip etiquette would now be happy since both of the main topics for the field trip had been covered. Everyone could now enjoy the field trip without that academic pressure hanging over their head.

Leberre yelled, "Line up, single file." They were amazed that such a raspy loud and compelling voice could come from that scrawny old cat. "Follow!" she added.

As she lead the line of students, every now and again a green slime drop fell to the walkway. The students just walked on over it or stepped on it, not really noticing the trail that was being created.

The New Science Teacher

Zak was so happy. He accepted a position as the new science teacher for the Pensacola School for Special Needs Cats. Thanks to the stimulus package the city of Pensacola was able to fund a position for Zak and one for an assistant. His assistant was an old retired cat that had lost her fortune in the market. Her name was Leberre. Hers was a sad story. First the markets crashed as the U.S. became a communist country, then she found out that she had invested with the now famous Bernie Madcat. She was now forced to return to work as a science assistant and research subject.

Now before you get the wrong idea. The school Zak was teaching in was for cats with special needs. Mostly, they needed to be kept out of trouble since they had been tossed out of all the other schools in Pensacola. The were in many ways much like Zak had been and still was. Zelda would look at Zak and tell him, "There is something wrong with you."

Leberre was known for one additional feature. She had eaten a favorite combination of peanut butter, chewing gum, and caviar for her birthday last year. It had become stuck in her intestine and had to be surgically removed. All that was going pretty well when the money ran out. With no additional money for the doctors, they left her with a hole in her belly. Usually there was a yellow green slime trail that followed her around. The cats that saw her, generally pretended it was not there. Some of the student cats had other ideas. Of, course, I get ahead of myself.

Zak and his lab assistant prepared studiously for the first class. To Zak it was essential to impress upon the young feline minds how exciting science could be. He decided that he would demonstrate the history of flight and make it an interactive adventure. That is coming next.

Design Studio Obsession

Zaron, Zak's nephew and Zak had planned for a day hiking and hunting squirrels. Actually, Zaron did the hunting, Zak's days of hunting ended the day he topped 40 lbs. He could, however, supervise Zaron and the boy would think Zak the best uncle ever.

Since Zak and Zaron would be gone all day, Zelda decided to have a friend over for a scrap fest. Sort of a "When the boys are out the women will play" deal. Zelda's friend, Carly Lou had just gotten her copy of the Cricut Design Studio. Zelda was so excited. Carly Lou was bringing over her laptop and they were going to have an incredible time.

When Carly Lou arrived she was so excited. She came in, and almost without pause opened her laptop up and said, "You have go to see this Cricut software! It will change your life."

Zelda looked at the excited cat and said, "How about something to drink? We have all day to scrap."

Carly Lou, looked at her with her green-gray eyes, slightly wide for a cat that had reached middle age. "I know, isn't it exciting! Come look at this."

Zelda edged over so she could see the screen. At first it appeared to only be snow, white screen noise. Then out of the snow, pattern after pattern of scrap pages appeared. There were borders, cut outs, templates, birthdays, beach trips, whole lives in trimmings, and stick-ons. There were balloons, candy canes, party hats, beer cans, jelly beans, drink glasses, goblets, tricks and treats of every kind. They seemed to come faster and faster, and suddenly Zelda pulled back.

"You know, said Zelda. "Let's get out some scrap books and start on one." She desperately wanted to get away from the Design Studio. It left her with a scared and inadequate feeling. It was as if it wanted to absorb her, cat and cat soul and all. It was creepy.

Carly Lou eyes seemed to widen. "No, you just need to look at the screen one more time. Isn't is beautiful? All those designs are calling me, calling me."

As Carly Lou peered into the laptop, she got closer and closer to the screen.

Zelda yelled, "Get back!!!!"

Carly Lou said. "It's calling me. I want to be closer."

Zelda could hear the white noise coming out of the screen and faintly make out images from the side of the screen as Carly Lou started to dissolve into the laptop. She was being absorbed by the Design Studio. "No screamed Zelda." Zelda took her paw and slammed down the back of the laptop. It was too late.

Carly Lou was gone. Lost in 1000's of scrap possibilities, and broken up into 100's of page designs. No one would ever believe what had happened.

Zelda wondered what to do with the laptop. Maybe she could use it just once. It really could change your life.

Playing Plug The Hole -- Part 1

Zelda, Jebelle, Zak and Zerbert were all situated around the low, square coffee table in the living room of Zak's house. The were so excited, it was to be their game night and they had a new game, Plug the Hole. It was the new hot board game from Hasbeen.

The board was 40 squares laid out in a circle. The first player to reach the end without dying won. If no one reached the last square, then the board game won. The last square was called, "Live in Good Health Today." or Light. The goal of the game was to come into the Light. Each player started the game with the same health issue, a blocked intestine. The role of the dice determined what happened from there.

Each cat chose their game piece. Jebelle picked the IV bag. Actually all the pieces were small silvery facsimiles made of pewter, kinda like the weapons in Clue or the pieces in the original monopoly. Zelda chose the gauze, Zak the syringe, and Zerbert the small hospital bed. They all put their game pieces down on the starting square and rolled for who went first. Zelda had the honors. The order was now determined, Zelda, Zerbert, Jebelle, and Zak would be last in the rotation.

Zelda rolled a 7. She lifted up the tab over the square and it underneath it read, "Put in nasal gastric tube and wait for blockage to clear."

"That is not so bad. " said Zelda, "The blockage will clear and I'll be going into the Light."

Zerbert rolled next. He rolled a snake eyes. He moved his two and pulled open the tab. "You tried to each 12 Escargot after being blocked up for 8 days, call 911, emergency surgery is required. The doctor will be a third year resident performing his first bowel resection. Good luck."




Zerbert knew he was in trouble.




"You got snake eyes" said Zelda, "Roll again."


This roll took Zerbert another 9 spaces on the board. He lifted the tab. It was a message from the doctor. "Your surgery went well. There was a small hole in your bowel, but we believe we managed to close it up. Your incision, which runs from your sternum to your groin should heal in about two weeks."


Jebelle rolled a 5. The tab read. "We thought your blockage was going to clear, you are scheduled for surgery for Friday. Move to space 8 -- surgery.

Zak said, "Boy this is depressing." He rolled 12. "Whooooo hoo!, I am moving to the head of the line. His tab read, "Your surgery did not go well, your bowel perforated and now you have an infection. We are going to have to open you up and let you drain."

"What. " said Zak, "I need to talk to the doctor."

"It's a game." said Zelda, "There is no doctor to talk to."


"That is why it is called plug the hole." said Zerbert.


Zak rolled again. He moved his lead syringe to space 23. "There he said, I am ahead."

He uncovered the space and it read. Your wound has been leaking badly and the skin is being eaten by bile. You have a 102 fever and we are putting you on antibiotics. If the leaking does not stop soon the hole in your belly will not be closeable. Other than that you are doing really well."

Zelda rolled again. She moved to space 17. Lifting the tab, she read, "You were healing really well, and the blockage was coming undone. However, when you removed the nasal gastric tube and stole the Twinkies from the nursing station it set you back. Try not to mix Ambien and Morphine next time. Go back to square 8. "




Zerbert's turn. He landed on 21 and read his fortune. "Dr. Hollowman had to go back in. One of the Escargot had stayed behind and was now getting infected. They are real slimy and hard to find. (They look like minature intestines.) We are going to leave your wound open just in case."



To be continued......